Melancholia

Wow it's been a long time since I last blogged sorry!

Life is rolling along in a blanket of sameness. I feel a bit stuck in a melancholic (don't you just think this is one of the most beautiful words in the English language) rut. My function doesn't seem to be improving and although I have reduced some meds, I am still lying down for 4 hours daily and finding each day very sore and tiring. It hasn't helped that I caught the flu and spent a week in bed so I am only just now starting my rehab exercises again. It is a long time since I have been that sick. I am really struggling for motivation and energy and having to force myself to do my exercises. It all just doesn't seem worth it when I know that nothing can ever get rid of this pain.

I did go away on the weekend to Ocean Grove with my bible study group. It was a lovely, relaxing time with lots of reading, resting, wine, cheese, chocolate and fresh air but unfortunately the bed was so bad I came home in worse pain than before I left! Oh well, the change of scenery was still worth it.

Work is going OK. I am managing 3 hours on Mon, Wed and Fri now. I do enjoy the mental stimulation and working with some awesome people but I am still crashing on Tues and Thur which is not such a good sign. I know that this is going to be a long process, but I'm just really really sick of being patient and always having to wait, wait, wait!! I don't feel like this is my life but just some suspended limbo I'm stuck in. I keep waiting to feel better but there's no guarantee that that will ever happen. I still want to make my lif e worthwhile though. The song that is my mantra is called "I Hope you Dance" (Ronan Keating did a version) and I really hope that at the end of my life I can reflect back and see that this was true for me. Google it and listen - it is the most beautiful song.

After effects

You know that sore stiffness and heavy exhaustion you feel the next day when you've pushed yourself too far in a run or played a tough sports match? Well that's how I feel every dayand no, I haven't been doing any of th e above! Yes I have started my rehab program and my body has been left reeling. Seems it really doesn't like doing a few lunges, step ups, weights and stretches. I mean I'm quite happy to feel like this if I have actually raised my heart rate but it is truly ridiculous if you could see the tiny exercises I am actually doing!

Anyway, slowly moving forward. I'm back behind the wheel and it is surprisingly pretty comfortable, much more so than after the first op. I'm still not driving far but it's a very good step. I started back at work on Wednesday and did almost 3 hours and then the same on Friday. It was great seeing everyone again and catching up on news but as expected the first day was pretty rough. I spend most of Wed night and Thursday sleeping and in bed, exhausted and so sore. This happened after the first op too so was not unusual - this week with 3 mornings will be the real test to see if it is any better.

Bit of a scare

Well last week gave me a bit of a fright. I overexerted myself and attempted a couple of jobs I really shouldn't have (ie vacuuming) and I ended up with a lot of pain for 4 days. My implant wasn't covering the pain and so it was back to bed basically to wait it out. I was quite scared that the wires had moved due to my stupidity and that is why the implant wasn't working as well. So it was rather an emotional week waiting for my check-up with the surgeon and technician today.

Thankfully everything is OK. I just needed a lot of re-programming (sounds so robotic doesn't it!) as one side of my wires wasn't working properly and that is why it wasn't giving me proper pain relief. Apparently this can happen as the scars heal and the wires settle into the tissue and then will probably happen again once I start moving and doing exercises, but at least I will know what it is next time. I am now allowed to start bending and stretching, albeit carefully, and will receive my home based exercise program from the physio on Friday. I must say though, despite the good news today, I am still quite emotional, exhausted and feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all the rehab exercises ahead. I know it's tiny steps and I'm sure I will feel more positive tomorrow but when you're not sleeping well, everything seems a lot harder.

At least the week ahead has some bright moments - tomorrow my remedial masseur is coming to my house to give me a massage as I'm still not driving, Thur I am having my hair cut (hooray hooray!) which is desperately needed after almost 4 months, Fri I will see the physio and then Sat night Tim and I are going to Gold Class to see the movie Inception. I received vouchers for my 30th from friends which includes money for wine and dinner as well so that will be a lovely date night (something that my recovery has not allowed for a long time).

So I will savour all these wonderful moments and then I return to work next Wed 4th August - I'm sure that will be an interesting challenge...

Loneliness and waiting

The world is a strange place when you're just waiting. Waiting for health to improve, waiting for friends to visit, waiting to be able to drive again, waiting for the pain to ease, waiting for the day to pass - my life is all about waiting at the moment. I must admit, I have been finding it a rather lonely existence. I'm naturally an extrovert and feed off other people's energy so constantly being alone all day, unable to drive or walk far, has been pulling me down. I find I sink into this apathetic lethargy where I then feel unmotivated to do anything and am just sick of reading and watching movies. My poor husband is literally pounced upon for some conversation when he gets home! My family have been around virtually every day and so have many friends - this week is just emptier than previous ones. I've tried to write a list of other things I can do that don't require moving much but even with plenty of music and the TV, the house seems quiet.
I know many of my friends would probably kill to have a few days to do absolutely nothing but I feel trapped and find it hard to motivate myself to do anything, even call a friend.

The issue has only worsened since I am generally not sleeping during the day and have longer periods of alertness now. This is of course a good sign and overall my recovery is going so much better than last time. When I look over my old blogs and see where I was at almost 3 weeks post-op, I am much improved. I can manage coffee outings for an hour, I am doing 2 x 5min walks each day, showering, and generally do not have the terrible weakness and fatigue that I experienced the first time around. I am grateful for all this - I just have to find ways to deal with the loneliness. I know it will be fine when I can drive again in a week or so, but until then I am just waiting...

On the other side

Well the surgery went smoothly and it was definitely the right thing to do to have the second surgery. When they reopened my scar, they discovered bands of scar tissue had wrapped themselves around the battery and the wires. This was the source of my discomfort and apparently it was quite tricky to extricate the battery from it all. Anyway, they created the space in the pocket slightly differently this time so we are hopeful that the same problem will not occur again.

I had a lovely room-mate in hospital, a 39 yr old lady who was having the implant put in for the first time. She was keen to ask me lots of questions and it was so great to talk to someone else who is bionic too! It also helped when we were both awake the whole night afterwards to be able to chat to someone - it was like a pain slumber party!

9 days on and I'm gradually getting less sore each day. Had my weekly check-up which went well and can now shower again - oh so lovely to feel fresh and clean! The recovery so far has felt quite different to last time. I am definitely less weak this time around although still very tired and dozing for most of the day. I have been walking with a walking stick although can do short distances without it. This is mainly due to the sharp, stabbing pains I have felt in my hip/leg joint whenever I put pressure on my right leg. This is all normal since my battery has moved closer to my hip but has been very painful. Although it is a lot better now, Tim and I decided we needed a bit of creativity to deal with the pain as I was extremely reluctant to even go to the toilet.

So I now have toilet theme music!! Chariots of Fire or the theme song from Rocky are my soundtracks - we press play and Tim and I sing along mimicking the slow motion effect (since I am so slow anyway) as I hobble to the toilet and back. It definitely distracts me from the pain and always makes us laugh. You gotta find things to make you laugh!

D-Day No. 2

I tell you if anyone needed to torture me for information, sleep deprivation would be the way to go! The last couple of weeks I have averaged 4-5 hours per night and so I have been even more lethargic than usual. The last 7 days have also been filled with nerves and a restless, edginess coupled with a couple of overtired, emotional meltdowns. Needless to say, I am relieved the day has finally arrived.

Yesterday a chance encounter reminded me that God is always with us through every situation. We have a cleaner come once a month. Our regular cleaner was unavailable and so we were randomly allocated someone else - this cute lady called Anne with a waft of blonde hair aged about 60ish. Just as she was about to leave, she said to me "I can see you're also trusting God". I was a little taken aback as I hadn't said anything but she had just noticed some of my Christian books on the bookshelves. Then began the most wonderful conversation. She herself is nursing her husband who almost died from malaria and just had so many encouraging words to say about staying positive and faithful through illness. It was just what I needed at that time.

So thanks to everyone's love, support and prayers. I'm off to the hospital in a couple of hours so let's see how Take 2 works!

Take two - going backward

I realised I haven't written for so long and left you all hanging about whether I'm having surgery or not. Well I am, on 23rd June! After much consultation with my surgeon, nurse and technician and no improvement with the pain, I decided it was better to go ahead with it.

Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.

It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.