Take two - going backward

I realised I haven't written for so long and left you all hanging about whether I'm having surgery or not. Well I am, on 23rd June! After much consultation with my surgeon, nurse and technician and no improvement with the pain, I decided it was better to go ahead with it.

Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.

It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.