Wow it's been a long time since I last blogged sorry!
Life is rolling along in a blanket of sameness. I feel a bit stuck in a melancholic (don't you just think this is one of the most beautiful words in the English language) rut. My function doesn't seem to be improving and although I have reduced some meds, I am still lying down for 4 hours daily and finding each day very sore and tiring. It hasn't helped that I caught the flu and spent a week in bed so I am only just now starting my rehab exercises again. It is a long time since I have been that sick. I am really struggling for motivation and energy and having to force myself to do my exercises. It all just doesn't seem worth it when I know that nothing can ever get rid of this pain.
I did go away on the weekend to Ocean Grove with my bible study group. It was a lovely, relaxing time with lots of reading, resting, wine, cheese, chocolate and fresh air but unfortunately the bed was so bad I came home in worse pain than before I left! Oh well, the change of scenery was still worth it.
Work is going OK. I am managing 3 hours on Mon, Wed and Fri now. I do enjoy the mental stimulation and working with some awesome people but I am still crashing on Tues and Thur which is not such a good sign. I know that this is going to be a long process, but I'm just really really sick of being patient and always having to wait, wait, wait!! I don't feel like this is my life but just some suspended limbo I'm stuck in. I keep waiting to feel better but there's no guarantee that that will ever happen. I still want to make my lif e worthwhile though. The song that is my mantra is called "I Hope you Dance" (Ronan Keating did a version) and I really hope that at the end of my life I can reflect back and see that this was true for me. Google it and listen - it is the most beautiful song.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
After effects
You know that sore stiffness and heavy exhaustion you feel the next day when you've pushed yourself too far in a run or played a tough sports match? Well that's how I feel every dayand no, I haven't been doing any of th e above! Yes I have started my rehab program and my body has been left reeling. Seems it really doesn't like doing a few lunges, step ups, weights and stretches. I mean I'm quite happy to feel like this if I have actually raised my heart rate but it is truly ridiculous if you could see the tiny exercises I am actually doing!
Anyway, slowly moving forward. I'm back behind the wheel and it is surprisingly pretty comfortable, much more so than after the first op. I'm still not driving far but it's a very good step. I started back at work on Wednesday and did almost 3 hours and then the same on Friday. It was great seeing everyone again and catching up on news but as expected the first day was pretty rough. I spend most of Wed night and Thursday sleeping and in bed, exhausted and so sore. This happened after the first op too so was not unusual - this week with 3 mornings will be the real test to see if it is any better.
Anyway, slowly moving forward. I'm back behind the wheel and it is surprisingly pretty comfortable, much more so than after the first op. I'm still not driving far but it's a very good step. I started back at work on Wednesday and did almost 3 hours and then the same on Friday. It was great seeing everyone again and catching up on news but as expected the first day was pretty rough. I spend most of Wed night and Thursday sleeping and in bed, exhausted and so sore. This happened after the first op too so was not unusual - this week with 3 mornings will be the real test to see if it is any better.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Bit of a scare
Well last week gave me a bit of a fright. I overexerted myself and attempted a couple of jobs I really shouldn't have (ie vacuuming) and I ended up with a lot of pain for 4 days. My implant wasn't covering the pain and so it was back to bed basically to wait it out. I was quite scared that the wires had moved due to my stupidity and that is why the implant wasn't working as well. So it was rather an emotional week waiting for my check-up with the surgeon and technician today.
Thankfully everything is OK. I just needed a lot of re-programming (sounds so robotic doesn't it!) as one side of my wires wasn't working properly and that is why it wasn't giving me proper pain relief. Apparently this can happen as the scars heal and the wires settle into the tissue and then will probably happen again once I start moving and doing exercises, but at least I will know what it is next time. I am now allowed to start bending and stretching, albeit carefully, and will receive my home based exercise program from the physio on Friday. I must say though, despite the good news today, I am still quite emotional, exhausted and feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all the rehab exercises ahead. I know it's tiny steps and I'm sure I will feel more positive tomorrow but when you're not sleeping well, everything seems a lot harder.
At least the week ahead has some bright moments - tomorrow my remedial masseur is coming to my house to give me a massage as I'm still not driving, Thur I am having my hair cut (hooray hooray!) which is desperately needed after almost 4 months, Fri I will see the physio and then Sat night Tim and I are going to Gold Class to see the movie Inception. I received vouchers for my 30th from friends which includes money for wine and dinner as well so that will be a lovely date night (something that my recovery has not allowed for a long time).
So I will savour all these wonderful moments and then I return to work next Wed 4th August - I'm sure that will be an interesting challenge...
Thankfully everything is OK. I just needed a lot of re-programming (sounds so robotic doesn't it!) as one side of my wires wasn't working properly and that is why it wasn't giving me proper pain relief. Apparently this can happen as the scars heal and the wires settle into the tissue and then will probably happen again once I start moving and doing exercises, but at least I will know what it is next time. I am now allowed to start bending and stretching, albeit carefully, and will receive my home based exercise program from the physio on Friday. I must say though, despite the good news today, I am still quite emotional, exhausted and feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all the rehab exercises ahead. I know it's tiny steps and I'm sure I will feel more positive tomorrow but when you're not sleeping well, everything seems a lot harder.
At least the week ahead has some bright moments - tomorrow my remedial masseur is coming to my house to give me a massage as I'm still not driving, Thur I am having my hair cut (hooray hooray!) which is desperately needed after almost 4 months, Fri I will see the physio and then Sat night Tim and I are going to Gold Class to see the movie Inception. I received vouchers for my 30th from friends which includes money for wine and dinner as well so that will be a lovely date night (something that my recovery has not allowed for a long time).
So I will savour all these wonderful moments and then I return to work next Wed 4th August - I'm sure that will be an interesting challenge...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Loneliness and waiting
The world is a strange place when you're just waiting. Waiting for health to improve, waiting for friends to visit, waiting to be able to drive again, waiting for the pain to ease, waiting for the day to pass - my life is all about waiting at the moment. I must admit, I have been finding it a rather lonely existence. I'm naturally an extrovert and feed off other people's energy so constantly being alone all day, unable to drive or walk far, has been pulling me down. I find I sink into this apathetic lethargy where I then feel unmotivated to do anything and am just sick of reading and watching movies. My poor husband is literally pounced upon for some conversation when he gets home! My family have been around virtually every day and so have many friends - this week is just emptier than previous ones. I've tried to write a list of other things I can do that don't require moving much but even with plenty of music and the TV, the house seems quiet.
I know many of my friends would probably kill to have a few days to do absolutely nothing but I feel trapped and find it hard to motivate myself to do anything, even call a friend.
The issue has only worsened since I am generally not sleeping during the day and have longer periods of alertness now. This is of course a good sign and overall my recovery is going so much better than last time. When I look over my old blogs and see where I was at almost 3 weeks post-op, I am much improved. I can manage coffee outings for an hour, I am doing 2 x 5min walks each day, showering, and generally do not have the terrible weakness and fatigue that I experienced the first time around. I am grateful for all this - I just have to find ways to deal with the loneliness. I know it will be fine when I can drive again in a week or so, but until then I am just waiting...
I know many of my friends would probably kill to have a few days to do absolutely nothing but I feel trapped and find it hard to motivate myself to do anything, even call a friend.
The issue has only worsened since I am generally not sleeping during the day and have longer periods of alertness now. This is of course a good sign and overall my recovery is going so much better than last time. When I look over my old blogs and see where I was at almost 3 weeks post-op, I am much improved. I can manage coffee outings for an hour, I am doing 2 x 5min walks each day, showering, and generally do not have the terrible weakness and fatigue that I experienced the first time around. I am grateful for all this - I just have to find ways to deal with the loneliness. I know it will be fine when I can drive again in a week or so, but until then I am just waiting...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
On the other side
Well the surgery went smoothly and it was definitely the right thing to do to have the second surgery. When they reopened my scar, they discovered bands of scar tissue had wrapped themselves around the battery and the wires. This was the source of my discomfort and apparently it was quite tricky to extricate the battery from it all. Anyway, they created the space in the pocket slightly differently this time so we are hopeful that the same problem will not occur again.
I had a lovely room-mate in hospital, a 39 yr old lady who was having the implant put in for the first time. She was keen to ask me lots of questions and it was so great to talk to someone else who is bionic too! It also helped when we were both awake the whole night afterwards to be able to chat to someone - it was like a pain slumber party!
9 days on and I'm gradually getting less sore each day. Had my weekly check-up which went well and can now shower again - oh so lovely to feel fresh and clean! The recovery so far has felt quite different to last time. I am definitely less weak this time around although still very tired and dozing for most of the day. I have been walking with a walking stick although can do short distances without it. This is mainly due to the sharp, stabbing pains I have felt in my hip/leg joint whenever I put pressure on my right leg. This is all normal since my battery has moved closer to my hip but has been very painful. Although it is a lot better now, Tim and I decided we needed a bit of creativity to deal with the pain as I was extremely reluctant to even go to the toilet.
So I now have toilet theme music!! Chariots of Fire or the theme song from Rocky are my soundtracks - we press play and Tim and I sing along mimicking the slow motion effect (since I am so slow anyway) as I hobble to the toilet and back. It definitely distracts me from the pain and always makes us laugh. You gotta find things to make you laugh!
I had a lovely room-mate in hospital, a 39 yr old lady who was having the implant put in for the first time. She was keen to ask me lots of questions and it was so great to talk to someone else who is bionic too! It also helped when we were both awake the whole night afterwards to be able to chat to someone - it was like a pain slumber party!
9 days on and I'm gradually getting less sore each day. Had my weekly check-up which went well and can now shower again - oh so lovely to feel fresh and clean! The recovery so far has felt quite different to last time. I am definitely less weak this time around although still very tired and dozing for most of the day. I have been walking with a walking stick although can do short distances without it. This is mainly due to the sharp, stabbing pains I have felt in my hip/leg joint whenever I put pressure on my right leg. This is all normal since my battery has moved closer to my hip but has been very painful. Although it is a lot better now, Tim and I decided we needed a bit of creativity to deal with the pain as I was extremely reluctant to even go to the toilet.
So I now have toilet theme music!! Chariots of Fire or the theme song from Rocky are my soundtracks - we press play and Tim and I sing along mimicking the slow motion effect (since I am so slow anyway) as I hobble to the toilet and back. It definitely distracts me from the pain and always makes us laugh. You gotta find things to make you laugh!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
D-Day No. 2
I tell you if anyone needed to torture me for information, sleep deprivation would be the way to go! The last couple of weeks I have averaged 4-5 hours per night and so I have been even more lethargic than usual. The last 7 days have also been filled with nerves and a restless, edginess coupled with a couple of overtired, emotional meltdowns. Needless to say, I am relieved the day has finally arrived.
Yesterday a chance encounter reminded me that God is always with us through every situation. We have a cleaner come once a month. Our regular cleaner was unavailable and so we were randomly allocated someone else - this cute lady called Anne with a waft of blonde hair aged about 60ish. Just as she was about to leave, she said to me "I can see you're also trusting God". I was a little taken aback as I hadn't said anything but she had just noticed some of my Christian books on the bookshelves. Then began the most wonderful conversation. She herself is nursing her husband who almost died from malaria and just had so many encouraging words to say about staying positive and faithful through illness. It was just what I needed at that time.
So thanks to everyone's love, support and prayers. I'm off to the hospital in a couple of hours so let's see how Take 2 works!
Yesterday a chance encounter reminded me that God is always with us through every situation. We have a cleaner come once a month. Our regular cleaner was unavailable and so we were randomly allocated someone else - this cute lady called Anne with a waft of blonde hair aged about 60ish. Just as she was about to leave, she said to me "I can see you're also trusting God". I was a little taken aback as I hadn't said anything but she had just noticed some of my Christian books on the bookshelves. Then began the most wonderful conversation. She herself is nursing her husband who almost died from malaria and just had so many encouraging words to say about staying positive and faithful through illness. It was just what I needed at that time.
So thanks to everyone's love, support and prayers. I'm off to the hospital in a couple of hours so let's see how Take 2 works!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Take two - going backward
I realised I haven't written for so long and left you all hanging about whether I'm having surgery or not. Well I am, on 23rd June! After much consultation with my surgeon, nurse and technician and no improvement with the pain, I decided it was better to go ahead with it.
Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.
It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.
Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.
It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Calm after the storm
Not sure if any of you have tried out a punching bag before, but over the last week I have seriously considered buying one! They seem such a great way to vent things, although being a girl I'm sure I would just come away with a bruised hand instead. I have been told a sleeping bag can also do the job - I just resorted to walking round our home screaming and punching a few pillows in frustration! Obviously not when my lovely husband was home but it did help to physically get my emotions out.
Since receiving the news of possibly more surgery, I spent 4 days in floods of tears, sadness and exhaustion with a burning mass of frustration inside me that often threatened to lash out at anything, people included. I have thankfully passed through that now and have been blessed with God's "peace that passes all understanding." It is an amazing feeling to be calm and know that if surgery is required, I will be OK. I'm not sure how long this sense will last but at the moment I am content to wait and see what the next couple of weeks bring. I can always buy that punching bag if required down the track...
Since receiving the news of possibly more surgery, I spent 4 days in floods of tears, sadness and exhaustion with a burning mass of frustration inside me that often threatened to lash out at anything, people included. I have thankfully passed through that now and have been blessed with God's "peace that passes all understanding." It is an amazing feeling to be calm and know that if surgery is required, I will be OK. I'm not sure how long this sense will last but at the moment I am content to wait and see what the next couple of weeks bring. I can always buy that punching bag if required down the track...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
More surgery?
Well after seeing my surgeon yesterday it looks like I may need some more surgery. Aaargh, just when I was hoping the saga would end soon! As you can imagine, this is really not the news I was hoping to hear and I am simultaneously rational, numb and upset at once.
As I've written before I have had continual pain at the site of my implant and I've been told this is really not normal at 14 weeks post-op so they think they need to open me up again and investigate. There are two possibilities - the simple one is that some of my internal stitches have caught on a nerve and once they unravel that, I will be pain-free. This would be a fairly straightforward procedure so I am praying it will be that. The second option is that a ball of fluid has formed under the battery implant which would mean the whole implant will need to be relocated, probably to my other buttock. This would obviously mean another operation very similar to the first, with the same long recovery period.
As a last ditch effort, I am trying a double strength topical cream to see if that helps it in any way but if there's no improvement in 2 weeks, then the op will be the way to go. For those of you of the praying persuasion, please pray for me. I am frustrated that just when I have started some work again and am becoming mobile that I will need to take a few steps backward again. However I know that this site pain has been inhibiting the improvement I could be making so hopefully if another op is the reality then it's just another small hurdle in the long run. Boy why can't I be like the average person for once? I mean it's lovely to be special and unique but this back pain has stubbornly refused to be straightforward or respond in a usual manner for the past 5 years. It is definitely attention seeking and demanding and I just want to give it a big smack! He he!!
As I've written before I have had continual pain at the site of my implant and I've been told this is really not normal at 14 weeks post-op so they think they need to open me up again and investigate. There are two possibilities - the simple one is that some of my internal stitches have caught on a nerve and once they unravel that, I will be pain-free. This would be a fairly straightforward procedure so I am praying it will be that. The second option is that a ball of fluid has formed under the battery implant which would mean the whole implant will need to be relocated, probably to my other buttock. This would obviously mean another operation very similar to the first, with the same long recovery period.
As a last ditch effort, I am trying a double strength topical cream to see if that helps it in any way but if there's no improvement in 2 weeks, then the op will be the way to go. For those of you of the praying persuasion, please pray for me. I am frustrated that just when I have started some work again and am becoming mobile that I will need to take a few steps backward again. However I know that this site pain has been inhibiting the improvement I could be making so hopefully if another op is the reality then it's just another small hurdle in the long run. Boy why can't I be like the average person for once? I mean it's lovely to be special and unique but this back pain has stubbornly refused to be straightforward or respond in a usual manner for the past 5 years. It is definitely attention seeking and demanding and I just want to give it a big smack! He he!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Dancing
I must admit that I have become a hopeless dance tragic! My favourite show, So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD), became my comforting weekly addiction where I could live vicariously through the lives of these amazing dancers. I still re-watch the episodes during the week even though the series has finished. I didn't used to be this bad, but since I was forced to give up dancing 5 years ago, it seems I just can't get enough of dance. Like anything we love that is taken away from us, it's hard to adjust.
On Saturday, I went to see Fame the Musical with my sister-in-law Glenda and a couple of friends. It was a wonderful girls' night out and it really was one of the best musicals I have seen (and I have definitely seen a lot!) So many of the dancers had been on SYTYCD so it was amazing seeing them dance in real life. Although I was nowhere near the unbelievable elite level of the dancers in Fame, it just made me want to dance so much. Seeing a musical or watching a dance show is a bittersweet experience for me. I love it - it's this wonderful, uplifting, comforting security blanket, but it can also often make me cry as I would give anything to be able to do a class again.
I guess since I've stayed working at choir, I'm still around singers and so I haven't missed singing as much as I have dance, especially tap, over the last 5 years. For those of you who remember, I was slightly obsessed with tap dancing before my injury and would think nothing of going to visit Tim after a class in all my sweaty, smelly glory, hair and clothes plastered to my body like a drowned rat! I am constantly surprised by how much I still miss it and think about it almost every day. I believe that dance, like many art forms, is the expression of your soul. It's a thrilling endorphin rush that allows you to push and explore physical and creative boundaries in space that nothing else can.
I know I will dance again in heaven with great passion and freedom one day but I just really miss it now.
On Saturday, I went to see Fame the Musical with my sister-in-law Glenda and a couple of friends. It was a wonderful girls' night out and it really was one of the best musicals I have seen (and I have definitely seen a lot!) So many of the dancers had been on SYTYCD so it was amazing seeing them dance in real life. Although I was nowhere near the unbelievable elite level of the dancers in Fame, it just made me want to dance so much. Seeing a musical or watching a dance show is a bittersweet experience for me. I love it - it's this wonderful, uplifting, comforting security blanket, but it can also often make me cry as I would give anything to be able to do a class again.
I guess since I've stayed working at choir, I'm still around singers and so I haven't missed singing as much as I have dance, especially tap, over the last 5 years. For those of you who remember, I was slightly obsessed with tap dancing before my injury and would think nothing of going to visit Tim after a class in all my sweaty, smelly glory, hair and clothes plastered to my body like a drowned rat! I am constantly surprised by how much I still miss it and think about it almost every day. I believe that dance, like many art forms, is the expression of your soul. It's a thrilling endorphin rush that allows you to push and explore physical and creative boundaries in space that nothing else can.
I know I will dance again in heaven with great passion and freedom one day but I just really miss it now.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Pleasure and pain
I believe "attend a tropical wedding" should be on everyone's bucket list and I'm happy to say I have now ticked it off! Last weekend Tim and I went to Port Douglas for 3 nights to attend the wedding of our good friends Andrew and Maxine. It was every bit as idyllic and relaxed as you could imagine a tropical wedding to be. A white, weatherboard chapel by the sea, rose petals, groomsmen in casual white shirts and pants, reception at the most luxurious resort Peppers on the Beach, drinks by the pool, buffet lunch in the pool side restaurant where we dined on everything from wagyu beef to kangaroo (first time for both Tim and I), no speeches, then everyone changed into bathers and we spent the rest of the day in the pool with frequent alcoholic top ups from the pool side bar. I mean really could you picture a more relaxing and refreshing wedding?
The plane trip also gave me a chance to flash my "bionic woman" credentials as I avoided the x-ray machines for the first time. It looks like I have now entered the world of bodily pat downs instead!
The only downside of this wonderful mini-break was that my back didn't cope too well. It swelled up worse than normal and left me with constant burning pain over the scar site which was only relieved by sitting in the cold water of the pool for long periods of time. While this was fairly pleasant with my book in hand, it made travelling more painful than expected and has stayed with me this week to the extent that I spent all of yesterday in bed as it's still so painful. I feel in some ways that I have just exchanged one type of pain for another - aaargh! I am seeing my surgeon next week and am praying that he will have some answers. I am aware that I may be left with some of this pain permanently. If that is the case I will need to invest in a lot more ice packs to cool me down in the car, at work and home!
The plane trip also gave me a chance to flash my "bionic woman" credentials as I avoided the x-ray machines for the first time. It looks like I have now entered the world of bodily pat downs instead!
The only downside of this wonderful mini-break was that my back didn't cope too well. It swelled up worse than normal and left me with constant burning pain over the scar site which was only relieved by sitting in the cold water of the pool for long periods of time. While this was fairly pleasant with my book in hand, it made travelling more painful than expected and has stayed with me this week to the extent that I spent all of yesterday in bed as it's still so painful. I feel in some ways that I have just exchanged one type of pain for another - aaargh! I am seeing my surgeon next week and am praying that he will have some answers. I am aware that I may be left with some of this pain permanently. If that is the case I will need to invest in a lot more ice packs to cool me down in the car, at work and home!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Theme of the week
Fatigued, tired, exhausted, drained, worn out, bushwhacked...the theme of this week!
I must say that this week was harder and easier than I thought it would be. Harder in the sense that when I crashed from fatigue and soreness I struggled to function in any way but yet I didn't crash every day and was even able to do some domestic tasks around our little home.
Monday was about as horrible as it could have been and I spent the greater part of the day in bed after my 2 hours at work. The only redeeming aspect was my sis-in-law Glenda bringing me a small Louis Vuitton handbag back from her holiday in Malaysia. Fake of course but so kitsch it's cool - I absolutely love it!
The rest of the week progressed so slowly with many tears and fears. It's funny how tears so often go along with fears I have discovered. Everyone at work was welcoming and understanding but it felt so surreal. Things had changed but were also still the same. I just feel so different to the person I was six months ago that I'm not sure how to navigate the work landscape, indeed the life landscape any more.
Friday was busy with work and a few appointments so by the end I could feel my body shutting down. Yesterday I was so drained that I barely moved or spoke. Tim knows there's something really wrong when the house is silent! Going to the beach has always been calming for me whenever I'm stressed or worried so since we had the most beautiful autumn day of 27 degrees, Tim took me there late in the afternoon. Just sitting there listening to the waves, lying on the sand and watching the clouds helped give me a sense of peace.
Today I feel better but uncertain of starting another week already. I know that the first week is always the hardest so I am hopeful of an easier ride this time.
I must say that this week was harder and easier than I thought it would be. Harder in the sense that when I crashed from fatigue and soreness I struggled to function in any way but yet I didn't crash every day and was even able to do some domestic tasks around our little home.
Monday was about as horrible as it could have been and I spent the greater part of the day in bed after my 2 hours at work. The only redeeming aspect was my sis-in-law Glenda bringing me a small Louis Vuitton handbag back from her holiday in Malaysia. Fake of course but so kitsch it's cool - I absolutely love it!
The rest of the week progressed so slowly with many tears and fears. It's funny how tears so often go along with fears I have discovered. Everyone at work was welcoming and understanding but it felt so surreal. Things had changed but were also still the same. I just feel so different to the person I was six months ago that I'm not sure how to navigate the work landscape, indeed the life landscape any more.
Friday was busy with work and a few appointments so by the end I could feel my body shutting down. Yesterday I was so drained that I barely moved or spoke. Tim knows there's something really wrong when the house is silent! Going to the beach has always been calming for me whenever I'm stressed or worried so since we had the most beautiful autumn day of 27 degrees, Tim took me there late in the afternoon. Just sitting there listening to the waves, lying on the sand and watching the clouds helped give me a sense of peace.
Today I feel better but uncertain of starting another week already. I know that the first week is always the hardest so I am hopeful of an easier ride this time.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Work
Tomorrow I re-enter the world of working women! I leave behind daytime tv, sleep-ins and trackie daks to become a sleek, proficient businesswoman again. Well since I'm only starting with 2 hours on Mon, Wed and Fri for the first few weeks, I'm sure that trackie daks will still feature in my days but anyway...
It's been almost 6 months since I was forced to give up work due to the amount of pain I was constantly in, so I have been experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions as the time has neared - nerves, apprehension, fear, a little excitement, inadequacy, doubt etc. Fear ruled the day for quite a while. Work had become synonymous with pain for so many years so even though my pain level has decreased dramatically, I was scared that re-entering that environment would automatically bring the same level of pain back. Irrational I know but aren't most fears based on that? A lot has changed at work in terms of structure and personnel so it will be quite a different environment I will be returning to. Starting with only 2 hours is hard for me also as I love to be productive and feel I can contribute and in this short amount of time I will pretty much log on, say good morning, answer some emails and leave again! I'll be more of a nuisance if you ask me, but as my physio reiterates, "it's about function Amy, not productivity." Yeah yeah, doesn't stop me wanting to be productive though! However this time work needs to assimilate into a life that includes exercise, outings, domestic tasks and a social life for me. In the past, it was just work and lie down. Since I am rehabbing with the long term future in mind, I am determined to do it right and as slow as necessary.
A week ago I realised that my worries had escalated completely out of proportion and that most of my concerns will melt away as soon as I start. I am confident that it will be quite a different Amy returning to the office and although I am not certain of how much work I will eventually be capable of, I am looking forward to trying. Will keep you updated!
It's been almost 6 months since I was forced to give up work due to the amount of pain I was constantly in, so I have been experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions as the time has neared - nerves, apprehension, fear, a little excitement, inadequacy, doubt etc. Fear ruled the day for quite a while. Work had become synonymous with pain for so many years so even though my pain level has decreased dramatically, I was scared that re-entering that environment would automatically bring the same level of pain back. Irrational I know but aren't most fears based on that? A lot has changed at work in terms of structure and personnel so it will be quite a different environment I will be returning to. Starting with only 2 hours is hard for me also as I love to be productive and feel I can contribute and in this short amount of time I will pretty much log on, say good morning, answer some emails and leave again! I'll be more of a nuisance if you ask me, but as my physio reiterates, "it's about function Amy, not productivity." Yeah yeah, doesn't stop me wanting to be productive though! However this time work needs to assimilate into a life that includes exercise, outings, domestic tasks and a social life for me. In the past, it was just work and lie down. Since I am rehabbing with the long term future in mind, I am determined to do it right and as slow as necessary.
A week ago I realised that my worries had escalated completely out of proportion and that most of my concerns will melt away as soon as I start. I am confident that it will be quite a different Amy returning to the office and although I am not certain of how much work I will eventually be capable of, I am looking forward to trying. Will keep you updated!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A wonderful Easter
There have been so many beautiful things (most revolving around food!) happening over the past week and Easter including many firsts for me:
- Having brunch on a gloriously sunny morning with our church small group at a funky new cafe, Snow Pony. Even the swarms of wasps (unfortunately the eastern suburbs are having an infestation at the moment) couldn't spoil the fun!
- Eating chocolate for the first time in 6 weeks! Both Tim and I gave up chocolate for Lent and we struggled with temptation many times in that period. Not sure we could do it again but we have been making up for lost time over the past few days :)
- Watching my 2 year old niece on her Easter egg hunt.
- Going to church for the first time in many, many months!! In fact I went twice, on Good Friday and Easter Sunday and it was just so wonderful to be back and singing with everyone. I managed really well apart from the inevitable fatigue from being out.
- Eating the most delicious gluten-free hot cross buns, mmm mmm
- Having a wonderful roast lunch with my sister-in-law Joce and good family friend Cheryl on Easter Sunday. Again so much good food including pavlova and an Easter Egg hunt!
- Improving my walking. I am now doing 2 x 500m walks each day and am still really enjoying the feeling of walking with a natural gait. Even stairs are becoming more manageable.
- My movement restrictions have been lifted! I am now starting to bend, twist and lift again, albeit in very structured exercises. Still it's good to finally be able to dress myself and put on shoes without my friend the claw!
Still quite sore and fatigued but as you can see, I have managed a lot more activities. Work is now next on the agenda. I'm starting back next week for a few hours, only 5 days away (eek!), but I will save that for another blog. The swarm of emotions I feel regarding work really deserve a post of their own...
- Having brunch on a gloriously sunny morning with our church small group at a funky new cafe, Snow Pony. Even the swarms of wasps (unfortunately the eastern suburbs are having an infestation at the moment) couldn't spoil the fun!
- Eating chocolate for the first time in 6 weeks! Both Tim and I gave up chocolate for Lent and we struggled with temptation many times in that period. Not sure we could do it again but we have been making up for lost time over the past few days :)
- Watching my 2 year old niece on her Easter egg hunt.
- Going to church for the first time in many, many months!! In fact I went twice, on Good Friday and Easter Sunday and it was just so wonderful to be back and singing with everyone. I managed really well apart from the inevitable fatigue from being out.
- Eating the most delicious gluten-free hot cross buns, mmm mmm
- Having a wonderful roast lunch with my sister-in-law Joce and good family friend Cheryl on Easter Sunday. Again so much good food including pavlova and an Easter Egg hunt!
- Improving my walking. I am now doing 2 x 500m walks each day and am still really enjoying the feeling of walking with a natural gait. Even stairs are becoming more manageable.
- My movement restrictions have been lifted! I am now starting to bend, twist and lift again, albeit in very structured exercises. Still it's good to finally be able to dress myself and put on shoes without my friend the claw!
Still quite sore and fatigued but as you can see, I have managed a lot more activities. Work is now next on the agenda. I'm starting back next week for a few hours, only 5 days away (eek!), but I will save that for another blog. The swarm of emotions I feel regarding work really deserve a post of their own...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Back on the road
The past week I have been reminded of the Chinese proverb - "a thousand mile journey starts with a single step." I have come to realise that my surgery was just the start of another journey, perhaps more rehabilitative than pain focused, but still another long challenge.
I am still making progress with my many exercises and increasing my walks which is great. I am also back behind the wheel finally, although it is still quite sore and uncomfortable to do so. However I continue to be plagued by soreness and scar pain as well as extreme fatigue. I have been told that it will likely take me 6 - 12 months to rebuild my stamina after 5 years of minimal movement. I have been feeling quite overwhelmed by this thought. Although I knew the surgery was no quick cure and I am incredibly grateful for the decreased pain so far, I am finding it hard to be so exhausted by simple activities. A 2 hour dinner at my parent's place last week ended in tears and bed for the next day and a half!
Trying to stay focused on the positive improvements but it's been a sobering week.
I am still making progress with my many exercises and increasing my walks which is great. I am also back behind the wheel finally, although it is still quite sore and uncomfortable to do so. However I continue to be plagued by soreness and scar pain as well as extreme fatigue. I have been told that it will likely take me 6 - 12 months to rebuild my stamina after 5 years of minimal movement. I have been feeling quite overwhelmed by this thought. Although I knew the surgery was no quick cure and I am incredibly grateful for the decreased pain so far, I am finding it hard to be so exhausted by simple activities. A 2 hour dinner at my parent's place last week ended in tears and bed for the next day and a half!
Trying to stay focused on the positive improvements but it's been a sobering week.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Song of Joy
It's 1.15am and as usual I am unable to fall asleep. This insomnia is really getting to me so I thought I would use the time constructively and blog :)
I've been holding onto a secret for the past week now. I've been too scared to share it in case it goes away and isn't real. Sounds silly I know but over the past five years I have had many promising steps forward that have turned out to be temporary illusions. Thus I find it hard to truly believe sometimes but I have this spark of hope inside me that this change is here to stay.
I can sing again!!
Many of you may not even have been aware that since my injury singing has been extremely painful. Apart from the fact it's been difficult to stand for any length of time, using my diaphragm to breathe and sing caused me significant back pain. Apart from a couple of weddings that I pushed myself to perform at, I didn't sing. I used to break into spontaneous outbursts of song and make up silly ditties around the house when I was feeling happy. However, pain combined with the lethargy that accompanies it meant the joy and desire to sing ceased to exist for me. Now though it doesn't hurt at all and I remember exactly why I loved performing so much in the first place - the adrenalin rush, being filled with air and energy, worshipping God in song. My creative juices are flowing again and I am pulling out old lesson books and tapes to practise (not too long as my stamina is still not great). I even surprised the gardener the other day with my singing and another time I was so immersed in song that I squealed with fright when Tim walked in the door! Music truly is the most invigorating, uplifting activity and I am now daring to dream of a different future, just a little.
I've been holding onto a secret for the past week now. I've been too scared to share it in case it goes away and isn't real. Sounds silly I know but over the past five years I have had many promising steps forward that have turned out to be temporary illusions. Thus I find it hard to truly believe sometimes but I have this spark of hope inside me that this change is here to stay.
I can sing again!!
Many of you may not even have been aware that since my injury singing has been extremely painful. Apart from the fact it's been difficult to stand for any length of time, using my diaphragm to breathe and sing caused me significant back pain. Apart from a couple of weddings that I pushed myself to perform at, I didn't sing. I used to break into spontaneous outbursts of song and make up silly ditties around the house when I was feeling happy. However, pain combined with the lethargy that accompanies it meant the joy and desire to sing ceased to exist for me. Now though it doesn't hurt at all and I remember exactly why I loved performing so much in the first place - the adrenalin rush, being filled with air and energy, worshipping God in song. My creative juices are flowing again and I am pulling out old lesson books and tapes to practise (not too long as my stamina is still not great). I even surprised the gardener the other day with my singing and another time I was so immersed in song that I squealed with fright when Tim walked in the door! Music truly is the most invigorating, uplifting activity and I am now daring to dream of a different future, just a little.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Whinging
Tim told me on the weekend that I have now learnt the art of whinging. Now before you exclaim that that's not a very loving comment to make, it was actually meant as a compliment! In this case, we mean whinging as being able to tell people how we're really feeling, rather than just saying "fine" in response all the time. This is intensified during periods of struggle or illness. I have an article from The Age last year stuck on my fridge that discusses the increased burden we feel when pressured to 'think and act postive' all the time during illness. Of course we don't want to be a grumps all the time and it's really hard when your regular response is that things are difficult but I found it such a relief when I have felt able to do this. Putting on the 'happy face' to other people all the time is draining and ultimately detrimental to your wellbeing. Being honest really is the right sort of whinging!
I had my 6 week check up yesterday and although I am walking with greater ease and sitting comfortably, I still have a considerable amount of pain from the surgery which is unusual. I am unable to lie on my back still or lean back against a chair and my scars are throbbing and sore, so I am having a neuropathic cream specially formulated for me to see if this will ease the pain. This is currently hindering further improvement so we are hoping that this topical cream will help significantly.
I had my 6 week check up yesterday and although I am walking with greater ease and sitting comfortably, I still have a considerable amount of pain from the surgery which is unusual. I am unable to lie on my back still or lean back against a chair and my scars are throbbing and sore, so I am having a neuropathic cream specially formulated for me to see if this will ease the pain. This is currently hindering further improvement so we are hoping that this topical cream will help significantly.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
An Ode to the Small Things
As many of you know, I can become ridiculously excited about the smallest things in life. It really doesn't take much to have me squealing with enthusiastic joy and over-expressive hand gestures. Things like the perfect latte, an unexpected gift, gelati, rhubarb, a particular song, my local cafe having my favourite cake in stock, the list goes on...
Well this week I have discovered another wondrous little thing. My friend Hannah even went so far as to say last night that this product "has changed the lives of so many people I know". Drum roll please ... it is dry shampoo! I don't know how I have not found this earlier but it is perfect for me at the moment with my difficulty with washing my hair in the shower. Simply spray on (with mine I am wafted with a tropical scented coconut breeze which makes me feel like I'm on a Fijian island :) ) and voila no more greasy hair!
So a toast to the small things in life that can bring us much joy!
Well this week I have discovered another wondrous little thing. My friend Hannah even went so far as to say last night that this product "has changed the lives of so many people I know". Drum roll please ... it is dry shampoo! I don't know how I have not found this earlier but it is perfect for me at the moment with my difficulty with washing my hair in the shower. Simply spray on (with mine I am wafted with a tropical scented coconut breeze which makes me feel like I'm on a Fijian island :) ) and voila no more greasy hair!
So a toast to the small things in life that can bring us much joy!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Baby steps
Taking 'baby steps' looks so much more fun for babies than it is for adults. Little, chubby babies look so cute as they wobble, teeter forward, abruptly fall over, struggle up again, all the while chuckling as they give it a go. They make taking one step forward and two steps back seem an exciting adventure! Well I can tell you that 'baby steps' for adults are definitely not as fun!
Since I've written, the days have passed in a blur of movies, books, short walks, rests, sleeps...
I've passed the 4 week mark and still am extremely tired and physically weak all the time. I hate taking showers due to the exhaustion, weakness and soreness that occurs afterwards. I still feel quite vulnerable and emotional all the time, a shadow of my former self.
However I know that when I compare my progress to my last blog, I have definitely taken quite a few 'baby steps'.
I can now go out for short outings like coffee (or watching my 2 year old niece's swimming lesson which was utterly divine and beyond cute:) )
I received my first set of exercises last week so am doing mini step ups and mini squats a few times a day as well as 4 very short walks. Although I am still very slow and not walking far, I definitely feel more comfortable walking than I did before the operation.
I am not taking as many meds for the pain so the implant is obviously starting to work - to what extent yet I'm not fully sure.
I am still quite sore and tender when lying on my back or leaning against something, so I think this is something that is just going to take more time. I guess I hoped I would be feeling dramatically better by now, but although it's slow, at least I am still improving hey! Onwards with the baby steps...
Since I've written, the days have passed in a blur of movies, books, short walks, rests, sleeps...
I've passed the 4 week mark and still am extremely tired and physically weak all the time. I hate taking showers due to the exhaustion, weakness and soreness that occurs afterwards. I still feel quite vulnerable and emotional all the time, a shadow of my former self.
However I know that when I compare my progress to my last blog, I have definitely taken quite a few 'baby steps'.
I can now go out for short outings like coffee (or watching my 2 year old niece's swimming lesson which was utterly divine and beyond cute:) )
I received my first set of exercises last week so am doing mini step ups and mini squats a few times a day as well as 4 very short walks. Although I am still very slow and not walking far, I definitely feel more comfortable walking than I did before the operation.
I am not taking as many meds for the pain so the implant is obviously starting to work - to what extent yet I'm not fully sure.
I am still quite sore and tender when lying on my back or leaning against something, so I think this is something that is just going to take more time. I guess I hoped I would be feeling dramatically better by now, but although it's slow, at least I am still improving hey! Onwards with the baby steps...
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Fragility
Our bodies are fragile things. We charge through life urging them to keep up with us with caffeine, exercise and healthy food to assist, but when injury, illness or accidents occur, we are knocked for six. Ever since the surgery I have been struggling with excessive fatigue and weakness. I feel very unstable on my feet and don't feel comfortable walking outside without someone beside me. To feel this unsteady and weak has been quite distressing and upsetting for me. Combined with the exhaustion I feel after a shower or short walk and the many hours I still spend in bed, I've been finding it hard. I'm clinging to the fact that it's only been 3 weeks since the surgery, but I must admit that there have been many tears in the last week.
Of course there have still been many of those little joys in life. Friends who visit and bring orange and choc chip cookies, muffins, chocolate, delicious lunches, flowers, coffees, CDs, popcorn and even facials! Not to mention the literally mountains of books and DVDs I have to keep me company - lucky that I have always been a prodigious reader!
Finally, a huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my darling Tim today whose nursing and servitude has been constant, loving and uplifting. You are the best husband I could have wished for.
Of course there have still been many of those little joys in life. Friends who visit and bring orange and choc chip cookies, muffins, chocolate, delicious lunches, flowers, coffees, CDs, popcorn and even facials! Not to mention the literally mountains of books and DVDs I have to keep me company - lucky that I have always been a prodigious reader!
Finally, a huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my darling Tim today whose nursing and servitude has been constant, loving and uplifting. You are the best husband I could have wished for.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Walking
Boy there are so many things we take for granted in life and walking is one of them! For the first time I managed to walk unassisted up my street today, only 40 metres or so and I was so sore and exhausted afterwards! Definitely don't have the stamina I used to - good to be outside though.
Had another review on Tuesday with a lot more fancy programming for my remote and had my stitches removed. Taking my first shower in 2 weeks afterwards was another of life's little luxuries.
Following on my from last post about dependence/independence, I thought I'd share this beautiful analogy I came across. We are like the drowning man, kicking and screaming with all our might, when if we would just let go and let ourselves be rescued, we would be carried to safety. I believe God wants us to be like this - interconnected and dependent on each other in community and on him. All my amazing family and friends who have been visiting me every day have demonstrated this to me. I would not be surviving without these wonderful people supporting me - sometimes we do need to let ourselves be saved.
Had another review on Tuesday with a lot more fancy programming for my remote and had my stitches removed. Taking my first shower in 2 weeks afterwards was another of life's little luxuries.
Following on my from last post about dependence/independence, I thought I'd share this beautiful analogy I came across. We are like the drowning man, kicking and screaming with all our might, when if we would just let go and let ourselves be rescued, we would be carried to safety. I believe God wants us to be like this - interconnected and dependent on each other in community and on him. All my amazing family and friends who have been visiting me every day have demonstrated this to me. I would not be surviving without these wonderful people supporting me - sometimes we do need to let ourselves be saved.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Dependency
One step back today - lots of pain so stayed in bed most of the day. I have been gradually progressing so far so today was a bit of a rude shock. I was so frustrated and annoyed with trying to work out the remote control and really just wanted to rip this implant out of me. Hopefully tomorrow will feel much better!
Recovering from surgery I have been thinking a lot about dependence/independence. Society rewards us for being independent – from the time we are born we start off completely dependent on our parents for life and sustenance. As we grow older we are expected to develop our independence – start school, make friends, begin a life separate from our parents, go to uni, get our first ‘real’ job, have a boyfriend, get married and the cycle goes on. We spend our whole lives striving for independence, yet chronic pain forces you to become dependent – on your partner, your family, your friends, your work mates. It’s hard to admit you need help when you’re thirty – it’s partly pride and partly the fact that I know I am continually asking. I don’t want to be relying on friends and family all the time but I don’t have a choice. Over the past five years I have come to some acceptance with this but I continue to rail against it every day and wish there was more I could do myself.
BTW I charged myself for the first time this week. It didn't work completely to plan but it was seriously weird trying it!!
Recovering from surgery I have been thinking a lot about dependence/independence. Society rewards us for being independent – from the time we are born we start off completely dependent on our parents for life and sustenance. As we grow older we are expected to develop our independence – start school, make friends, begin a life separate from our parents, go to uni, get our first ‘real’ job, have a boyfriend, get married and the cycle goes on. We spend our whole lives striving for independence, yet chronic pain forces you to become dependent – on your partner, your family, your friends, your work mates. It’s hard to admit you need help when you’re thirty – it’s partly pride and partly the fact that I know I am continually asking. I don’t want to be relying on friends and family all the time but I don’t have a choice. Over the past five years I have come to some acceptance with this but I continue to rail against it every day and wish there was more I could do myself.
BTW I charged myself for the first time this week. It didn't work completely to plan but it was seriously weird trying it!!
Me in my sexy hospital outfit!
Trying to put on socks with my "claw"!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Aftermath
I'm on the other side! The surgery went to plan and for the past 5 days I've been in a surreal cycle of sleep, meds, pain, try to get comfortable, meds, shuffle to the toilet, sleep, more meds...
I sat in a chair for the first time yesterday but for the most part my bed is my friend, surrounded by many beautiful flowers, cushions and the attentive care of Nurse Tim!
I sat in a chair for the first time yesterday but for the most part my bed is my friend, surrounded by many beautiful flowers, cushions and the attentive care of Nurse Tim!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
D-Day!!!
After having the most special evening last night sharing dinner and prayer with four of our close friends, Renee and Kirk and Hannah and Tom, Tim and I feel very loved, supported and ready to face the nervous excitement of today. I'm definitely as ready as I ever will be, so I thought I would write a list of my physical capabilities at present so we can all compare and celebrate my hopefully significant improvements in the future!!
Can drive for a maximum of 20min
Unable to do most domestic tasks - can do short bursts of ironing and washing dishes
Can only walk 150m at a time
Climbing stairs is difficult and is achieved by pulling myself up on the handrail and often with a friendly push from behind!
Can sit for 45min and stand for 5min - going to the movies or theatre entails an aisle seat and frequent changes of posture
Unable to sleep comfortably or uninterrupted
Unable to do any form of exercise - no dancing, swimming or power walking
Lie down for approx 6 hours per day to manage the pain
Am in constant pain rarely below a 6/10
Am taking LOTS of painkillers
Need to pace my activities carefully and can generally only do 1 major outing per day
Unable to work
Tim even videoed me walking and climbing stairs so we can compare my current slow state with a new speedier version in the future - it's quite amusing how slow I am!
Anyway that's it - I'm off now to embark on a whole new chapter in my life! Yippeee!!
Can drive for a maximum of 20min
Unable to do most domestic tasks - can do short bursts of ironing and washing dishes
Can only walk 150m at a time
Climbing stairs is difficult and is achieved by pulling myself up on the handrail and often with a friendly push from behind!
Can sit for 45min and stand for 5min - going to the movies or theatre entails an aisle seat and frequent changes of posture
Unable to sleep comfortably or uninterrupted
Unable to do any form of exercise - no dancing, swimming or power walking
Lie down for approx 6 hours per day to manage the pain
Am in constant pain rarely below a 6/10
Am taking LOTS of painkillers
Need to pace my activities carefully and can generally only do 1 major outing per day
Unable to work
Tim even videoed me walking and climbing stairs so we can compare my current slow state with a new speedier version in the future - it's quite amusing how slow I am!
Anyway that's it - I'm off now to embark on a whole new chapter in my life! Yippeee!!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Bionic Woman
1 week to go and the nerves are kicking in!
For the past 10 days I have been busily "nesting" like a pregnant woman! I have compiled many lists and been ticking off all the little errands and jobs around the house I want to complete before D-day. Not having been pregnant before, this new sensation of purposeful activity has been rather amusing.
Now that it's down to days though I must admit that the 'robotic' nature of the operation is still freaking me out quite a bit. Getting my head around carrying a remote control for the rest of my life, programming myself and charging myself once a week(!) is quite freaky. Maybe in 10 years there will be many operations like this but at the moment it seems very strange. I'm sure that if it reduces my pain significantly I'm not going to care that I'm now a "bionic woman", but until then it still really weirds me out.
Oh and for a lovely story to finish. My 87 year old neighbour who is WAY fitter than me has lent me one of those pick up claws - not the proper term but basically something that will help me pick things up without bending (they are a lot of fun to use actually!) She's also given me her phone number in case I need someone to pop over and check on me. So this delightful 87 year old lady is wanting to look after me - how ironic and cute!!
For the past 10 days I have been busily "nesting" like a pregnant woman! I have compiled many lists and been ticking off all the little errands and jobs around the house I want to complete before D-day. Not having been pregnant before, this new sensation of purposeful activity has been rather amusing.
Now that it's down to days though I must admit that the 'robotic' nature of the operation is still freaking me out quite a bit. Getting my head around carrying a remote control for the rest of my life, programming myself and charging myself once a week(!) is quite freaky. Maybe in 10 years there will be many operations like this but at the moment it seems very strange. I'm sure that if it reduces my pain significantly I'm not going to care that I'm now a "bionic woman", but until then it still really weirds me out.
Oh and for a lovely story to finish. My 87 year old neighbour who is WAY fitter than me has lent me one of those pick up claws - not the proper term but basically something that will help me pick things up without bending (they are a lot of fun to use actually!) She's also given me her phone number in case I need someone to pop over and check on me. So this delightful 87 year old lady is wanting to look after me - how ironic and cute!!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Countdown time
"Courage is being really really scared but jumping in anyway".
I want to live this quote, I want this to be true for me.
It's 2 weeks to go! After five years of chronic back pain I am undergoing a peripheral nerve stimulation operation on 3rd February in an attempt to improve my quality of life and be able to work again. This blog will chart the final lead up - the anticipation, the nerves, the fear, the excitement about the possibilities and follow my recovery afterwards. This is my first ever blog post. I've never been much of a fan of all the new technologies - ipods, iphones, twitter etc. so I'm surprising even myself with this new venture!
I want to live this quote, I want this to be true for me.
It's 2 weeks to go! After five years of chronic back pain I am undergoing a peripheral nerve stimulation operation on 3rd February in an attempt to improve my quality of life and be able to work again. This blog will chart the final lead up - the anticipation, the nerves, the fear, the excitement about the possibilities and follow my recovery afterwards. This is my first ever blog post. I've never been much of a fan of all the new technologies - ipods, iphones, twitter etc. so I'm surprising even myself with this new venture!