Tomorrow I re-enter the world of working women! I leave behind daytime tv, sleep-ins and trackie daks to become a sleek, proficient businesswoman again. Well since I'm only starting with 2 hours on Mon, Wed and Fri for the first few weeks, I'm sure that trackie daks will still feature in my days but anyway...
It's been almost 6 months since I was forced to give up work due to the amount of pain I was constantly in, so I have been experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions as the time has neared - nerves, apprehension, fear, a little excitement, inadequacy, doubt etc. Fear ruled the day for quite a while. Work had become synonymous with pain for so many years so even though my pain level has decreased dramatically, I was scared that re-entering that environment would automatically bring the same level of pain back. Irrational I know but aren't most fears based on that? A lot has changed at work in terms of structure and personnel so it will be quite a different environment I will be returning to. Starting with only 2 hours is hard for me also as I love to be productive and feel I can contribute and in this short amount of time I will pretty much log on, say good morning, answer some emails and leave again! I'll be more of a nuisance if you ask me, but as my physio reiterates, "it's about function Amy, not productivity." Yeah yeah, doesn't stop me wanting to be productive though! However this time work needs to assimilate into a life that includes exercise, outings, domestic tasks and a social life for me. In the past, it was just work and lie down. Since I am rehabbing with the long term future in mind, I am determined to do it right and as slow as necessary.
A week ago I realised that my worries had escalated completely out of proportion and that most of my concerns will melt away as soon as I start. I am confident that it will be quite a different Amy returning to the office and although I am not certain of how much work I will eventually be capable of, I am looking forward to trying. Will keep you updated!
Trusting you are coping with work Amy. I know how difficult it must be for you to take 'little steps' especially with your gorgeous personality that is always raring to go! Thinking and praying for you always. Love, Gaynor xx
ReplyDeleteI love to be productive and feel I can contribute ...
ReplyDeleteFor many of us, wanting to feel that we make a valuable contribution to the world is such a basic part of our makeup. It's a sense of things bigger than ourselves, of responsibility for adding value in some way, of leaving things better than when we found them. It's part of what makes us productive, a drive that keeps us motivated when no-one is looking, that gives us satisfaction as we think back on the day before we go to sleep at night.
This sense of responsibility, Amy, is what keeps you differentiated from those whose only ambition is their own desires. It is a positive thing. It is about a worldview that doesn't begin and end with Amy alone.
But it is not the beginning and end of Amy as a person. What you 'produce' is not your own true value. Your life is worth much more than the sum of its parts. For all of us have an intrinsic value just in being.
So as you struggle to forget for a time the yardstick of 'productivity', may you be reminded every day of your value just as you. That no matter what your circumstance, you - Amy - are precious to so many of us and to God Himself, just as you are in your silent still moments.
All my love, Cheryl