Fatigued, tired, exhausted, drained, worn out, bushwhacked...the theme of this week!
I must say that this week was harder and easier than I thought it would be. Harder in the sense that when I crashed from fatigue and soreness I struggled to function in any way but yet I didn't crash every day and was even able to do some domestic tasks around our little home.
Monday was about as horrible as it could have been and I spent the greater part of the day in bed after my 2 hours at work. The only redeeming aspect was my sis-in-law Glenda bringing me a small Louis Vuitton handbag back from her holiday in Malaysia. Fake of course but so kitsch it's cool - I absolutely love it!
The rest of the week progressed so slowly with many tears and fears. It's funny how tears so often go along with fears I have discovered. Everyone at work was welcoming and understanding but it felt so surreal. Things had changed but were also still the same. I just feel so different to the person I was six months ago that I'm not sure how to navigate the work landscape, indeed the life landscape any more.
Friday was busy with work and a few appointments so by the end I could feel my body shutting down. Yesterday I was so drained that I barely moved or spoke. Tim knows there's something really wrong when the house is silent! Going to the beach has always been calming for me whenever I'm stressed or worried so since we had the most beautiful autumn day of 27 degrees, Tim took me there late in the afternoon. Just sitting there listening to the waves, lying on the sand and watching the clouds helped give me a sense of peace.
Today I feel better but uncertain of starting another week already. I know that the first week is always the hardest so I am hopeful of an easier ride this time.
One reach, twist and sharp pain and my world changed forever. Fast forward five years of physios, chiros, doctors, neurosurgeons, specialists, pain management programs, exercises, injections, acupuncture, bed rest and mammoth amounts of painkillers and here I am with no change. That seemingly innocuous L5/S1 disc bulge I sustained that day in December 2004 has turned into chronic back pain with complex regional pain syndrome. Fancy words that in reality mean a life of constant, unending pain.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Work
Tomorrow I re-enter the world of working women! I leave behind daytime tv, sleep-ins and trackie daks to become a sleek, proficient businesswoman again. Well since I'm only starting with 2 hours on Mon, Wed and Fri for the first few weeks, I'm sure that trackie daks will still feature in my days but anyway...
It's been almost 6 months since I was forced to give up work due to the amount of pain I was constantly in, so I have been experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions as the time has neared - nerves, apprehension, fear, a little excitement, inadequacy, doubt etc. Fear ruled the day for quite a while. Work had become synonymous with pain for so many years so even though my pain level has decreased dramatically, I was scared that re-entering that environment would automatically bring the same level of pain back. Irrational I know but aren't most fears based on that? A lot has changed at work in terms of structure and personnel so it will be quite a different environment I will be returning to. Starting with only 2 hours is hard for me also as I love to be productive and feel I can contribute and in this short amount of time I will pretty much log on, say good morning, answer some emails and leave again! I'll be more of a nuisance if you ask me, but as my physio reiterates, "it's about function Amy, not productivity." Yeah yeah, doesn't stop me wanting to be productive though! However this time work needs to assimilate into a life that includes exercise, outings, domestic tasks and a social life for me. In the past, it was just work and lie down. Since I am rehabbing with the long term future in mind, I am determined to do it right and as slow as necessary.
A week ago I realised that my worries had escalated completely out of proportion and that most of my concerns will melt away as soon as I start. I am confident that it will be quite a different Amy returning to the office and although I am not certain of how much work I will eventually be capable of, I am looking forward to trying. Will keep you updated!
It's been almost 6 months since I was forced to give up work due to the amount of pain I was constantly in, so I have been experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions as the time has neared - nerves, apprehension, fear, a little excitement, inadequacy, doubt etc. Fear ruled the day for quite a while. Work had become synonymous with pain for so many years so even though my pain level has decreased dramatically, I was scared that re-entering that environment would automatically bring the same level of pain back. Irrational I know but aren't most fears based on that? A lot has changed at work in terms of structure and personnel so it will be quite a different environment I will be returning to. Starting with only 2 hours is hard for me also as I love to be productive and feel I can contribute and in this short amount of time I will pretty much log on, say good morning, answer some emails and leave again! I'll be more of a nuisance if you ask me, but as my physio reiterates, "it's about function Amy, not productivity." Yeah yeah, doesn't stop me wanting to be productive though! However this time work needs to assimilate into a life that includes exercise, outings, domestic tasks and a social life for me. In the past, it was just work and lie down. Since I am rehabbing with the long term future in mind, I am determined to do it right and as slow as necessary.
A week ago I realised that my worries had escalated completely out of proportion and that most of my concerns will melt away as soon as I start. I am confident that it will be quite a different Amy returning to the office and although I am not certain of how much work I will eventually be capable of, I am looking forward to trying. Will keep you updated!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A wonderful Easter
There have been so many beautiful things (most revolving around food!) happening over the past week and Easter including many firsts for me:
- Having brunch on a gloriously sunny morning with our church small group at a funky new cafe, Snow Pony. Even the swarms of wasps (unfortunately the eastern suburbs are having an infestation at the moment) couldn't spoil the fun!
- Eating chocolate for the first time in 6 weeks! Both Tim and I gave up chocolate for Lent and we struggled with temptation many times in that period. Not sure we could do it again but we have been making up for lost time over the past few days :)
- Watching my 2 year old niece on her Easter egg hunt.
- Going to church for the first time in many, many months!! In fact I went twice, on Good Friday and Easter Sunday and it was just so wonderful to be back and singing with everyone. I managed really well apart from the inevitable fatigue from being out.
- Eating the most delicious gluten-free hot cross buns, mmm mmm
- Having a wonderful roast lunch with my sister-in-law Joce and good family friend Cheryl on Easter Sunday. Again so much good food including pavlova and an Easter Egg hunt!
- Improving my walking. I am now doing 2 x 500m walks each day and am still really enjoying the feeling of walking with a natural gait. Even stairs are becoming more manageable.
- My movement restrictions have been lifted! I am now starting to bend, twist and lift again, albeit in very structured exercises. Still it's good to finally be able to dress myself and put on shoes without my friend the claw!
Still quite sore and fatigued but as you can see, I have managed a lot more activities. Work is now next on the agenda. I'm starting back next week for a few hours, only 5 days away (eek!), but I will save that for another blog. The swarm of emotions I feel regarding work really deserve a post of their own...
- Having brunch on a gloriously sunny morning with our church small group at a funky new cafe, Snow Pony. Even the swarms of wasps (unfortunately the eastern suburbs are having an infestation at the moment) couldn't spoil the fun!
- Eating chocolate for the first time in 6 weeks! Both Tim and I gave up chocolate for Lent and we struggled with temptation many times in that period. Not sure we could do it again but we have been making up for lost time over the past few days :)
- Watching my 2 year old niece on her Easter egg hunt.
- Going to church for the first time in many, many months!! In fact I went twice, on Good Friday and Easter Sunday and it was just so wonderful to be back and singing with everyone. I managed really well apart from the inevitable fatigue from being out.
- Eating the most delicious gluten-free hot cross buns, mmm mmm
- Having a wonderful roast lunch with my sister-in-law Joce and good family friend Cheryl on Easter Sunday. Again so much good food including pavlova and an Easter Egg hunt!
- Improving my walking. I am now doing 2 x 500m walks each day and am still really enjoying the feeling of walking with a natural gait. Even stairs are becoming more manageable.
- My movement restrictions have been lifted! I am now starting to bend, twist and lift again, albeit in very structured exercises. Still it's good to finally be able to dress myself and put on shoes without my friend the claw!
Still quite sore and fatigued but as you can see, I have managed a lot more activities. Work is now next on the agenda. I'm starting back next week for a few hours, only 5 days away (eek!), but I will save that for another blog. The swarm of emotions I feel regarding work really deserve a post of their own...