Well last week gave me a bit of a fright. I overexerted myself and attempted a couple of jobs I really shouldn't have (ie vacuuming) and I ended up with a lot of pain for 4 days. My implant wasn't covering the pain and so it was back to bed basically to wait it out. I was quite scared that the wires had moved due to my stupidity and that is why the implant wasn't working as well. So it was rather an emotional week waiting for my check-up with the surgeon and technician today.
Thankfully everything is OK. I just needed a lot of re-programming (sounds so robotic doesn't it!) as one side of my wires wasn't working properly and that is why it wasn't giving me proper pain relief. Apparently this can happen as the scars heal and the wires settle into the tissue and then will probably happen again once I start moving and doing exercises, but at least I will know what it is next time. I am now allowed to start bending and stretching, albeit carefully, and will receive my home based exercise program from the physio on Friday. I must say though, despite the good news today, I am still quite emotional, exhausted and feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all the rehab exercises ahead. I know it's tiny steps and I'm sure I will feel more positive tomorrow but when you're not sleeping well, everything seems a lot harder.
At least the week ahead has some bright moments - tomorrow my remedial masseur is coming to my house to give me a massage as I'm still not driving, Thur I am having my hair cut (hooray hooray!) which is desperately needed after almost 4 months, Fri I will see the physio and then Sat night Tim and I are going to Gold Class to see the movie Inception. I received vouchers for my 30th from friends which includes money for wine and dinner as well so that will be a lovely date night (something that my recovery has not allowed for a long time).
So I will savour all these wonderful moments and then I return to work next Wed 4th August - I'm sure that will be an interesting challenge...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Loneliness and waiting
The world is a strange place when you're just waiting. Waiting for health to improve, waiting for friends to visit, waiting to be able to drive again, waiting for the pain to ease, waiting for the day to pass - my life is all about waiting at the moment. I must admit, I have been finding it a rather lonely existence. I'm naturally an extrovert and feed off other people's energy so constantly being alone all day, unable to drive or walk far, has been pulling me down. I find I sink into this apathetic lethargy where I then feel unmotivated to do anything and am just sick of reading and watching movies. My poor husband is literally pounced upon for some conversation when he gets home! My family have been around virtually every day and so have many friends - this week is just emptier than previous ones. I've tried to write a list of other things I can do that don't require moving much but even with plenty of music and the TV, the house seems quiet.
I know many of my friends would probably kill to have a few days to do absolutely nothing but I feel trapped and find it hard to motivate myself to do anything, even call a friend.
The issue has only worsened since I am generally not sleeping during the day and have longer periods of alertness now. This is of course a good sign and overall my recovery is going so much better than last time. When I look over my old blogs and see where I was at almost 3 weeks post-op, I am much improved. I can manage coffee outings for an hour, I am doing 2 x 5min walks each day, showering, and generally do not have the terrible weakness and fatigue that I experienced the first time around. I am grateful for all this - I just have to find ways to deal with the loneliness. I know it will be fine when I can drive again in a week or so, but until then I am just waiting...
I know many of my friends would probably kill to have a few days to do absolutely nothing but I feel trapped and find it hard to motivate myself to do anything, even call a friend.
The issue has only worsened since I am generally not sleeping during the day and have longer periods of alertness now. This is of course a good sign and overall my recovery is going so much better than last time. When I look over my old blogs and see where I was at almost 3 weeks post-op, I am much improved. I can manage coffee outings for an hour, I am doing 2 x 5min walks each day, showering, and generally do not have the terrible weakness and fatigue that I experienced the first time around. I am grateful for all this - I just have to find ways to deal with the loneliness. I know it will be fine when I can drive again in a week or so, but until then I am just waiting...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
On the other side
Well the surgery went smoothly and it was definitely the right thing to do to have the second surgery. When they reopened my scar, they discovered bands of scar tissue had wrapped themselves around the battery and the wires. This was the source of my discomfort and apparently it was quite tricky to extricate the battery from it all. Anyway, they created the space in the pocket slightly differently this time so we are hopeful that the same problem will not occur again.
I had a lovely room-mate in hospital, a 39 yr old lady who was having the implant put in for the first time. She was keen to ask me lots of questions and it was so great to talk to someone else who is bionic too! It also helped when we were both awake the whole night afterwards to be able to chat to someone - it was like a pain slumber party!
9 days on and I'm gradually getting less sore each day. Had my weekly check-up which went well and can now shower again - oh so lovely to feel fresh and clean! The recovery so far has felt quite different to last time. I am definitely less weak this time around although still very tired and dozing for most of the day. I have been walking with a walking stick although can do short distances without it. This is mainly due to the sharp, stabbing pains I have felt in my hip/leg joint whenever I put pressure on my right leg. This is all normal since my battery has moved closer to my hip but has been very painful. Although it is a lot better now, Tim and I decided we needed a bit of creativity to deal with the pain as I was extremely reluctant to even go to the toilet.
So I now have toilet theme music!! Chariots of Fire or the theme song from Rocky are my soundtracks - we press play and Tim and I sing along mimicking the slow motion effect (since I am so slow anyway) as I hobble to the toilet and back. It definitely distracts me from the pain and always makes us laugh. You gotta find things to make you laugh!
I had a lovely room-mate in hospital, a 39 yr old lady who was having the implant put in for the first time. She was keen to ask me lots of questions and it was so great to talk to someone else who is bionic too! It also helped when we were both awake the whole night afterwards to be able to chat to someone - it was like a pain slumber party!
9 days on and I'm gradually getting less sore each day. Had my weekly check-up which went well and can now shower again - oh so lovely to feel fresh and clean! The recovery so far has felt quite different to last time. I am definitely less weak this time around although still very tired and dozing for most of the day. I have been walking with a walking stick although can do short distances without it. This is mainly due to the sharp, stabbing pains I have felt in my hip/leg joint whenever I put pressure on my right leg. This is all normal since my battery has moved closer to my hip but has been very painful. Although it is a lot better now, Tim and I decided we needed a bit of creativity to deal with the pain as I was extremely reluctant to even go to the toilet.
So I now have toilet theme music!! Chariots of Fire or the theme song from Rocky are my soundtracks - we press play and Tim and I sing along mimicking the slow motion effect (since I am so slow anyway) as I hobble to the toilet and back. It definitely distracts me from the pain and always makes us laugh. You gotta find things to make you laugh!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
D-Day No. 2
I tell you if anyone needed to torture me for information, sleep deprivation would be the way to go! The last couple of weeks I have averaged 4-5 hours per night and so I have been even more lethargic than usual. The last 7 days have also been filled with nerves and a restless, edginess coupled with a couple of overtired, emotional meltdowns. Needless to say, I am relieved the day has finally arrived.
Yesterday a chance encounter reminded me that God is always with us through every situation. We have a cleaner come once a month. Our regular cleaner was unavailable and so we were randomly allocated someone else - this cute lady called Anne with a waft of blonde hair aged about 60ish. Just as she was about to leave, she said to me "I can see you're also trusting God". I was a little taken aback as I hadn't said anything but she had just noticed some of my Christian books on the bookshelves. Then began the most wonderful conversation. She herself is nursing her husband who almost died from malaria and just had so many encouraging words to say about staying positive and faithful through illness. It was just what I needed at that time.
So thanks to everyone's love, support and prayers. I'm off to the hospital in a couple of hours so let's see how Take 2 works!
Yesterday a chance encounter reminded me that God is always with us through every situation. We have a cleaner come once a month. Our regular cleaner was unavailable and so we were randomly allocated someone else - this cute lady called Anne with a waft of blonde hair aged about 60ish. Just as she was about to leave, she said to me "I can see you're also trusting God". I was a little taken aback as I hadn't said anything but she had just noticed some of my Christian books on the bookshelves. Then began the most wonderful conversation. She herself is nursing her husband who almost died from malaria and just had so many encouraging words to say about staying positive and faithful through illness. It was just what I needed at that time.
So thanks to everyone's love, support and prayers. I'm off to the hospital in a couple of hours so let's see how Take 2 works!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Take two - going backward
I realised I haven't written for so long and left you all hanging about whether I'm having surgery or not. Well I am, on 23rd June! After much consultation with my surgeon, nurse and technician and no improvement with the pain, I decided it was better to go ahead with it.
Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.
It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.
Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.
It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Calm after the storm
Not sure if any of you have tried out a punching bag before, but over the last week I have seriously considered buying one! They seem such a great way to vent things, although being a girl I'm sure I would just come away with a bruised hand instead. I have been told a sleeping bag can also do the job - I just resorted to walking round our home screaming and punching a few pillows in frustration! Obviously not when my lovely husband was home but it did help to physically get my emotions out.
Since receiving the news of possibly more surgery, I spent 4 days in floods of tears, sadness and exhaustion with a burning mass of frustration inside me that often threatened to lash out at anything, people included. I have thankfully passed through that now and have been blessed with God's "peace that passes all understanding." It is an amazing feeling to be calm and know that if surgery is required, I will be OK. I'm not sure how long this sense will last but at the moment I am content to wait and see what the next couple of weeks bring. I can always buy that punching bag if required down the track...
Since receiving the news of possibly more surgery, I spent 4 days in floods of tears, sadness and exhaustion with a burning mass of frustration inside me that often threatened to lash out at anything, people included. I have thankfully passed through that now and have been blessed with God's "peace that passes all understanding." It is an amazing feeling to be calm and know that if surgery is required, I will be OK. I'm not sure how long this sense will last but at the moment I am content to wait and see what the next couple of weeks bring. I can always buy that punching bag if required down the track...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
More surgery?
Well after seeing my surgeon yesterday it looks like I may need some more surgery. Aaargh, just when I was hoping the saga would end soon! As you can imagine, this is really not the news I was hoping to hear and I am simultaneously rational, numb and upset at once.
As I've written before I have had continual pain at the site of my implant and I've been told this is really not normal at 14 weeks post-op so they think they need to open me up again and investigate. There are two possibilities - the simple one is that some of my internal stitches have caught on a nerve and once they unravel that, I will be pain-free. This would be a fairly straightforward procedure so I am praying it will be that. The second option is that a ball of fluid has formed under the battery implant which would mean the whole implant will need to be relocated, probably to my other buttock. This would obviously mean another operation very similar to the first, with the same long recovery period.
As a last ditch effort, I am trying a double strength topical cream to see if that helps it in any way but if there's no improvement in 2 weeks, then the op will be the way to go. For those of you of the praying persuasion, please pray for me. I am frustrated that just when I have started some work again and am becoming mobile that I will need to take a few steps backward again. However I know that this site pain has been inhibiting the improvement I could be making so hopefully if another op is the reality then it's just another small hurdle in the long run. Boy why can't I be like the average person for once? I mean it's lovely to be special and unique but this back pain has stubbornly refused to be straightforward or respond in a usual manner for the past 5 years. It is definitely attention seeking and demanding and I just want to give it a big smack! He he!!
As I've written before I have had continual pain at the site of my implant and I've been told this is really not normal at 14 weeks post-op so they think they need to open me up again and investigate. There are two possibilities - the simple one is that some of my internal stitches have caught on a nerve and once they unravel that, I will be pain-free. This would be a fairly straightforward procedure so I am praying it will be that. The second option is that a ball of fluid has formed under the battery implant which would mean the whole implant will need to be relocated, probably to my other buttock. This would obviously mean another operation very similar to the first, with the same long recovery period.
As a last ditch effort, I am trying a double strength topical cream to see if that helps it in any way but if there's no improvement in 2 weeks, then the op will be the way to go. For those of you of the praying persuasion, please pray for me. I am frustrated that just when I have started some work again and am becoming mobile that I will need to take a few steps backward again. However I know that this site pain has been inhibiting the improvement I could be making so hopefully if another op is the reality then it's just another small hurdle in the long run. Boy why can't I be like the average person for once? I mean it's lovely to be special and unique but this back pain has stubbornly refused to be straightforward or respond in a usual manner for the past 5 years. It is definitely attention seeking and demanding and I just want to give it a big smack! He he!!
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