I tell you if anyone needed to torture me for information, sleep deprivation would be the way to go! The last couple of weeks I have averaged 4-5 hours per night and so I have been even more lethargic than usual. The last 7 days have also been filled with nerves and a restless, edginess coupled with a couple of overtired, emotional meltdowns. Needless to say, I am relieved the day has finally arrived.
Yesterday a chance encounter reminded me that God is always with us through every situation. We have a cleaner come once a month. Our regular cleaner was unavailable and so we were randomly allocated someone else - this cute lady called Anne with a waft of blonde hair aged about 60ish. Just as she was about to leave, she said to me "I can see you're also trusting God". I was a little taken aback as I hadn't said anything but she had just noticed some of my Christian books on the bookshelves. Then began the most wonderful conversation. She herself is nursing her husband who almost died from malaria and just had so many encouraging words to say about staying positive and faithful through illness. It was just what I needed at that time.
So thanks to everyone's love, support and prayers. I'm off to the hospital in a couple of hours so let's see how Take 2 works!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Take two - going backward
I realised I haven't written for so long and left you all hanging about whether I'm having surgery or not. Well I am, on 23rd June! After much consultation with my surgeon, nurse and technician and no improvement with the pain, I decided it was better to go ahead with it.
Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.
It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.
Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.
It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Calm after the storm
Not sure if any of you have tried out a punching bag before, but over the last week I have seriously considered buying one! They seem such a great way to vent things, although being a girl I'm sure I would just come away with a bruised hand instead. I have been told a sleeping bag can also do the job - I just resorted to walking round our home screaming and punching a few pillows in frustration! Obviously not when my lovely husband was home but it did help to physically get my emotions out.
Since receiving the news of possibly more surgery, I spent 4 days in floods of tears, sadness and exhaustion with a burning mass of frustration inside me that often threatened to lash out at anything, people included. I have thankfully passed through that now and have been blessed with God's "peace that passes all understanding." It is an amazing feeling to be calm and know that if surgery is required, I will be OK. I'm not sure how long this sense will last but at the moment I am content to wait and see what the next couple of weeks bring. I can always buy that punching bag if required down the track...
Since receiving the news of possibly more surgery, I spent 4 days in floods of tears, sadness and exhaustion with a burning mass of frustration inside me that often threatened to lash out at anything, people included. I have thankfully passed through that now and have been blessed with God's "peace that passes all understanding." It is an amazing feeling to be calm and know that if surgery is required, I will be OK. I'm not sure how long this sense will last but at the moment I am content to wait and see what the next couple of weeks bring. I can always buy that punching bag if required down the track...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
More surgery?
Well after seeing my surgeon yesterday it looks like I may need some more surgery. Aaargh, just when I was hoping the saga would end soon! As you can imagine, this is really not the news I was hoping to hear and I am simultaneously rational, numb and upset at once.
As I've written before I have had continual pain at the site of my implant and I've been told this is really not normal at 14 weeks post-op so they think they need to open me up again and investigate. There are two possibilities - the simple one is that some of my internal stitches have caught on a nerve and once they unravel that, I will be pain-free. This would be a fairly straightforward procedure so I am praying it will be that. The second option is that a ball of fluid has formed under the battery implant which would mean the whole implant will need to be relocated, probably to my other buttock. This would obviously mean another operation very similar to the first, with the same long recovery period.
As a last ditch effort, I am trying a double strength topical cream to see if that helps it in any way but if there's no improvement in 2 weeks, then the op will be the way to go. For those of you of the praying persuasion, please pray for me. I am frustrated that just when I have started some work again and am becoming mobile that I will need to take a few steps backward again. However I know that this site pain has been inhibiting the improvement I could be making so hopefully if another op is the reality then it's just another small hurdle in the long run. Boy why can't I be like the average person for once? I mean it's lovely to be special and unique but this back pain has stubbornly refused to be straightforward or respond in a usual manner for the past 5 years. It is definitely attention seeking and demanding and I just want to give it a big smack! He he!!
As I've written before I have had continual pain at the site of my implant and I've been told this is really not normal at 14 weeks post-op so they think they need to open me up again and investigate. There are two possibilities - the simple one is that some of my internal stitches have caught on a nerve and once they unravel that, I will be pain-free. This would be a fairly straightforward procedure so I am praying it will be that. The second option is that a ball of fluid has formed under the battery implant which would mean the whole implant will need to be relocated, probably to my other buttock. This would obviously mean another operation very similar to the first, with the same long recovery period.
As a last ditch effort, I am trying a double strength topical cream to see if that helps it in any way but if there's no improvement in 2 weeks, then the op will be the way to go. For those of you of the praying persuasion, please pray for me. I am frustrated that just when I have started some work again and am becoming mobile that I will need to take a few steps backward again. However I know that this site pain has been inhibiting the improvement I could be making so hopefully if another op is the reality then it's just another small hurdle in the long run. Boy why can't I be like the average person for once? I mean it's lovely to be special and unique but this back pain has stubbornly refused to be straightforward or respond in a usual manner for the past 5 years. It is definitely attention seeking and demanding and I just want to give it a big smack! He he!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Dancing
I must admit that I have become a hopeless dance tragic! My favourite show, So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD), became my comforting weekly addiction where I could live vicariously through the lives of these amazing dancers. I still re-watch the episodes during the week even though the series has finished. I didn't used to be this bad, but since I was forced to give up dancing 5 years ago, it seems I just can't get enough of dance. Like anything we love that is taken away from us, it's hard to adjust.
On Saturday, I went to see Fame the Musical with my sister-in-law Glenda and a couple of friends. It was a wonderful girls' night out and it really was one of the best musicals I have seen (and I have definitely seen a lot!) So many of the dancers had been on SYTYCD so it was amazing seeing them dance in real life. Although I was nowhere near the unbelievable elite level of the dancers in Fame, it just made me want to dance so much. Seeing a musical or watching a dance show is a bittersweet experience for me. I love it - it's this wonderful, uplifting, comforting security blanket, but it can also often make me cry as I would give anything to be able to do a class again.
I guess since I've stayed working at choir, I'm still around singers and so I haven't missed singing as much as I have dance, especially tap, over the last 5 years. For those of you who remember, I was slightly obsessed with tap dancing before my injury and would think nothing of going to visit Tim after a class in all my sweaty, smelly glory, hair and clothes plastered to my body like a drowned rat! I am constantly surprised by how much I still miss it and think about it almost every day. I believe that dance, like many art forms, is the expression of your soul. It's a thrilling endorphin rush that allows you to push and explore physical and creative boundaries in space that nothing else can.
I know I will dance again in heaven with great passion and freedom one day but I just really miss it now.
On Saturday, I went to see Fame the Musical with my sister-in-law Glenda and a couple of friends. It was a wonderful girls' night out and it really was one of the best musicals I have seen (and I have definitely seen a lot!) So many of the dancers had been on SYTYCD so it was amazing seeing them dance in real life. Although I was nowhere near the unbelievable elite level of the dancers in Fame, it just made me want to dance so much. Seeing a musical or watching a dance show is a bittersweet experience for me. I love it - it's this wonderful, uplifting, comforting security blanket, but it can also often make me cry as I would give anything to be able to do a class again.
I guess since I've stayed working at choir, I'm still around singers and so I haven't missed singing as much as I have dance, especially tap, over the last 5 years. For those of you who remember, I was slightly obsessed with tap dancing before my injury and would think nothing of going to visit Tim after a class in all my sweaty, smelly glory, hair and clothes plastered to my body like a drowned rat! I am constantly surprised by how much I still miss it and think about it almost every day. I believe that dance, like many art forms, is the expression of your soul. It's a thrilling endorphin rush that allows you to push and explore physical and creative boundaries in space that nothing else can.
I know I will dance again in heaven with great passion and freedom one day but I just really miss it now.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Pleasure and pain
I believe "attend a tropical wedding" should be on everyone's bucket list and I'm happy to say I have now ticked it off! Last weekend Tim and I went to Port Douglas for 3 nights to attend the wedding of our good friends Andrew and Maxine. It was every bit as idyllic and relaxed as you could imagine a tropical wedding to be. A white, weatherboard chapel by the sea, rose petals, groomsmen in casual white shirts and pants, reception at the most luxurious resort Peppers on the Beach, drinks by the pool, buffet lunch in the pool side restaurant where we dined on everything from wagyu beef to kangaroo (first time for both Tim and I), no speeches, then everyone changed into bathers and we spent the rest of the day in the pool with frequent alcoholic top ups from the pool side bar. I mean really could you picture a more relaxing and refreshing wedding?
The plane trip also gave me a chance to flash my "bionic woman" credentials as I avoided the x-ray machines for the first time. It looks like I have now entered the world of bodily pat downs instead!
The only downside of this wonderful mini-break was that my back didn't cope too well. It swelled up worse than normal and left me with constant burning pain over the scar site which was only relieved by sitting in the cold water of the pool for long periods of time. While this was fairly pleasant with my book in hand, it made travelling more painful than expected and has stayed with me this week to the extent that I spent all of yesterday in bed as it's still so painful. I feel in some ways that I have just exchanged one type of pain for another - aaargh! I am seeing my surgeon next week and am praying that he will have some answers. I am aware that I may be left with some of this pain permanently. If that is the case I will need to invest in a lot more ice packs to cool me down in the car, at work and home!
The plane trip also gave me a chance to flash my "bionic woman" credentials as I avoided the x-ray machines for the first time. It looks like I have now entered the world of bodily pat downs instead!
The only downside of this wonderful mini-break was that my back didn't cope too well. It swelled up worse than normal and left me with constant burning pain over the scar site which was only relieved by sitting in the cold water of the pool for long periods of time. While this was fairly pleasant with my book in hand, it made travelling more painful than expected and has stayed with me this week to the extent that I spent all of yesterday in bed as it's still so painful. I feel in some ways that I have just exchanged one type of pain for another - aaargh! I am seeing my surgeon next week and am praying that he will have some answers. I am aware that I may be left with some of this pain permanently. If that is the case I will need to invest in a lot more ice packs to cool me down in the car, at work and home!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Theme of the week
Fatigued, tired, exhausted, drained, worn out, bushwhacked...the theme of this week!
I must say that this week was harder and easier than I thought it would be. Harder in the sense that when I crashed from fatigue and soreness I struggled to function in any way but yet I didn't crash every day and was even able to do some domestic tasks around our little home.
Monday was about as horrible as it could have been and I spent the greater part of the day in bed after my 2 hours at work. The only redeeming aspect was my sis-in-law Glenda bringing me a small Louis Vuitton handbag back from her holiday in Malaysia. Fake of course but so kitsch it's cool - I absolutely love it!
The rest of the week progressed so slowly with many tears and fears. It's funny how tears so often go along with fears I have discovered. Everyone at work was welcoming and understanding but it felt so surreal. Things had changed but were also still the same. I just feel so different to the person I was six months ago that I'm not sure how to navigate the work landscape, indeed the life landscape any more.
Friday was busy with work and a few appointments so by the end I could feel my body shutting down. Yesterday I was so drained that I barely moved or spoke. Tim knows there's something really wrong when the house is silent! Going to the beach has always been calming for me whenever I'm stressed or worried so since we had the most beautiful autumn day of 27 degrees, Tim took me there late in the afternoon. Just sitting there listening to the waves, lying on the sand and watching the clouds helped give me a sense of peace.
Today I feel better but uncertain of starting another week already. I know that the first week is always the hardest so I am hopeful of an easier ride this time.
I must say that this week was harder and easier than I thought it would be. Harder in the sense that when I crashed from fatigue and soreness I struggled to function in any way but yet I didn't crash every day and was even able to do some domestic tasks around our little home.
Monday was about as horrible as it could have been and I spent the greater part of the day in bed after my 2 hours at work. The only redeeming aspect was my sis-in-law Glenda bringing me a small Louis Vuitton handbag back from her holiday in Malaysia. Fake of course but so kitsch it's cool - I absolutely love it!
The rest of the week progressed so slowly with many tears and fears. It's funny how tears so often go along with fears I have discovered. Everyone at work was welcoming and understanding but it felt so surreal. Things had changed but were also still the same. I just feel so different to the person I was six months ago that I'm not sure how to navigate the work landscape, indeed the life landscape any more.
Friday was busy with work and a few appointments so by the end I could feel my body shutting down. Yesterday I was so drained that I barely moved or spoke. Tim knows there's something really wrong when the house is silent! Going to the beach has always been calming for me whenever I'm stressed or worried so since we had the most beautiful autumn day of 27 degrees, Tim took me there late in the afternoon. Just sitting there listening to the waves, lying on the sand and watching the clouds helped give me a sense of peace.
Today I feel better but uncertain of starting another week already. I know that the first week is always the hardest so I am hopeful of an easier ride this time.
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