Not sure if any of you have tried out a punching bag before, but over the last week I have seriously considered buying one! They seem such a great way to vent things, although being a girl I'm sure I would just come away with a bruised hand instead. I have been told a sleeping bag can also do the job - I just resorted to walking round our home screaming and punching a few pillows in frustration! Obviously not when my lovely husband was home but it did help to physically get my emotions out.
Since receiving the news of possibly more surgery, I spent 4 days in floods of tears, sadness and exhaustion with a burning mass of frustration inside me that often threatened to lash out at anything, people included. I have thankfully passed through that now and have been blessed with God's "peace that passes all understanding." It is an amazing feeling to be calm and know that if surgery is required, I will be OK. I'm not sure how long this sense will last but at the moment I am content to wait and see what the next couple of weeks bring. I can always buy that punching bag if required down the track...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
More surgery?
Well after seeing my surgeon yesterday it looks like I may need some more surgery. Aaargh, just when I was hoping the saga would end soon! As you can imagine, this is really not the news I was hoping to hear and I am simultaneously rational, numb and upset at once.
As I've written before I have had continual pain at the site of my implant and I've been told this is really not normal at 14 weeks post-op so they think they need to open me up again and investigate. There are two possibilities - the simple one is that some of my internal stitches have caught on a nerve and once they unravel that, I will be pain-free. This would be a fairly straightforward procedure so I am praying it will be that. The second option is that a ball of fluid has formed under the battery implant which would mean the whole implant will need to be relocated, probably to my other buttock. This would obviously mean another operation very similar to the first, with the same long recovery period.
As a last ditch effort, I am trying a double strength topical cream to see if that helps it in any way but if there's no improvement in 2 weeks, then the op will be the way to go. For those of you of the praying persuasion, please pray for me. I am frustrated that just when I have started some work again and am becoming mobile that I will need to take a few steps backward again. However I know that this site pain has been inhibiting the improvement I could be making so hopefully if another op is the reality then it's just another small hurdle in the long run. Boy why can't I be like the average person for once? I mean it's lovely to be special and unique but this back pain has stubbornly refused to be straightforward or respond in a usual manner for the past 5 years. It is definitely attention seeking and demanding and I just want to give it a big smack! He he!!
As I've written before I have had continual pain at the site of my implant and I've been told this is really not normal at 14 weeks post-op so they think they need to open me up again and investigate. There are two possibilities - the simple one is that some of my internal stitches have caught on a nerve and once they unravel that, I will be pain-free. This would be a fairly straightforward procedure so I am praying it will be that. The second option is that a ball of fluid has formed under the battery implant which would mean the whole implant will need to be relocated, probably to my other buttock. This would obviously mean another operation very similar to the first, with the same long recovery period.
As a last ditch effort, I am trying a double strength topical cream to see if that helps it in any way but if there's no improvement in 2 weeks, then the op will be the way to go. For those of you of the praying persuasion, please pray for me. I am frustrated that just when I have started some work again and am becoming mobile that I will need to take a few steps backward again. However I know that this site pain has been inhibiting the improvement I could be making so hopefully if another op is the reality then it's just another small hurdle in the long run. Boy why can't I be like the average person for once? I mean it's lovely to be special and unique but this back pain has stubbornly refused to be straightforward or respond in a usual manner for the past 5 years. It is definitely attention seeking and demanding and I just want to give it a big smack! He he!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Dancing
I must admit that I have become a hopeless dance tragic! My favourite show, So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD), became my comforting weekly addiction where I could live vicariously through the lives of these amazing dancers. I still re-watch the episodes during the week even though the series has finished. I didn't used to be this bad, but since I was forced to give up dancing 5 years ago, it seems I just can't get enough of dance. Like anything we love that is taken away from us, it's hard to adjust.
On Saturday, I went to see Fame the Musical with my sister-in-law Glenda and a couple of friends. It was a wonderful girls' night out and it really was one of the best musicals I have seen (and I have definitely seen a lot!) So many of the dancers had been on SYTYCD so it was amazing seeing them dance in real life. Although I was nowhere near the unbelievable elite level of the dancers in Fame, it just made me want to dance so much. Seeing a musical or watching a dance show is a bittersweet experience for me. I love it - it's this wonderful, uplifting, comforting security blanket, but it can also often make me cry as I would give anything to be able to do a class again.
I guess since I've stayed working at choir, I'm still around singers and so I haven't missed singing as much as I have dance, especially tap, over the last 5 years. For those of you who remember, I was slightly obsessed with tap dancing before my injury and would think nothing of going to visit Tim after a class in all my sweaty, smelly glory, hair and clothes plastered to my body like a drowned rat! I am constantly surprised by how much I still miss it and think about it almost every day. I believe that dance, like many art forms, is the expression of your soul. It's a thrilling endorphin rush that allows you to push and explore physical and creative boundaries in space that nothing else can.
I know I will dance again in heaven with great passion and freedom one day but I just really miss it now.
On Saturday, I went to see Fame the Musical with my sister-in-law Glenda and a couple of friends. It was a wonderful girls' night out and it really was one of the best musicals I have seen (and I have definitely seen a lot!) So many of the dancers had been on SYTYCD so it was amazing seeing them dance in real life. Although I was nowhere near the unbelievable elite level of the dancers in Fame, it just made me want to dance so much. Seeing a musical or watching a dance show is a bittersweet experience for me. I love it - it's this wonderful, uplifting, comforting security blanket, but it can also often make me cry as I would give anything to be able to do a class again.
I guess since I've stayed working at choir, I'm still around singers and so I haven't missed singing as much as I have dance, especially tap, over the last 5 years. For those of you who remember, I was slightly obsessed with tap dancing before my injury and would think nothing of going to visit Tim after a class in all my sweaty, smelly glory, hair and clothes plastered to my body like a drowned rat! I am constantly surprised by how much I still miss it and think about it almost every day. I believe that dance, like many art forms, is the expression of your soul. It's a thrilling endorphin rush that allows you to push and explore physical and creative boundaries in space that nothing else can.
I know I will dance again in heaven with great passion and freedom one day but I just really miss it now.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Pleasure and pain
I believe "attend a tropical wedding" should be on everyone's bucket list and I'm happy to say I have now ticked it off! Last weekend Tim and I went to Port Douglas for 3 nights to attend the wedding of our good friends Andrew and Maxine. It was every bit as idyllic and relaxed as you could imagine a tropical wedding to be. A white, weatherboard chapel by the sea, rose petals, groomsmen in casual white shirts and pants, reception at the most luxurious resort Peppers on the Beach, drinks by the pool, buffet lunch in the pool side restaurant where we dined on everything from wagyu beef to kangaroo (first time for both Tim and I), no speeches, then everyone changed into bathers and we spent the rest of the day in the pool with frequent alcoholic top ups from the pool side bar. I mean really could you picture a more relaxing and refreshing wedding?
The plane trip also gave me a chance to flash my "bionic woman" credentials as I avoided the x-ray machines for the first time. It looks like I have now entered the world of bodily pat downs instead!
The only downside of this wonderful mini-break was that my back didn't cope too well. It swelled up worse than normal and left me with constant burning pain over the scar site which was only relieved by sitting in the cold water of the pool for long periods of time. While this was fairly pleasant with my book in hand, it made travelling more painful than expected and has stayed with me this week to the extent that I spent all of yesterday in bed as it's still so painful. I feel in some ways that I have just exchanged one type of pain for another - aaargh! I am seeing my surgeon next week and am praying that he will have some answers. I am aware that I may be left with some of this pain permanently. If that is the case I will need to invest in a lot more ice packs to cool me down in the car, at work and home!
The plane trip also gave me a chance to flash my "bionic woman" credentials as I avoided the x-ray machines for the first time. It looks like I have now entered the world of bodily pat downs instead!
The only downside of this wonderful mini-break was that my back didn't cope too well. It swelled up worse than normal and left me with constant burning pain over the scar site which was only relieved by sitting in the cold water of the pool for long periods of time. While this was fairly pleasant with my book in hand, it made travelling more painful than expected and has stayed with me this week to the extent that I spent all of yesterday in bed as it's still so painful. I feel in some ways that I have just exchanged one type of pain for another - aaargh! I am seeing my surgeon next week and am praying that he will have some answers. I am aware that I may be left with some of this pain permanently. If that is the case I will need to invest in a lot more ice packs to cool me down in the car, at work and home!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Theme of the week
Fatigued, tired, exhausted, drained, worn out, bushwhacked...the theme of this week!
I must say that this week was harder and easier than I thought it would be. Harder in the sense that when I crashed from fatigue and soreness I struggled to function in any way but yet I didn't crash every day and was even able to do some domestic tasks around our little home.
Monday was about as horrible as it could have been and I spent the greater part of the day in bed after my 2 hours at work. The only redeeming aspect was my sis-in-law Glenda bringing me a small Louis Vuitton handbag back from her holiday in Malaysia. Fake of course but so kitsch it's cool - I absolutely love it!
The rest of the week progressed so slowly with many tears and fears. It's funny how tears so often go along with fears I have discovered. Everyone at work was welcoming and understanding but it felt so surreal. Things had changed but were also still the same. I just feel so different to the person I was six months ago that I'm not sure how to navigate the work landscape, indeed the life landscape any more.
Friday was busy with work and a few appointments so by the end I could feel my body shutting down. Yesterday I was so drained that I barely moved or spoke. Tim knows there's something really wrong when the house is silent! Going to the beach has always been calming for me whenever I'm stressed or worried so since we had the most beautiful autumn day of 27 degrees, Tim took me there late in the afternoon. Just sitting there listening to the waves, lying on the sand and watching the clouds helped give me a sense of peace.
Today I feel better but uncertain of starting another week already. I know that the first week is always the hardest so I am hopeful of an easier ride this time.
I must say that this week was harder and easier than I thought it would be. Harder in the sense that when I crashed from fatigue and soreness I struggled to function in any way but yet I didn't crash every day and was even able to do some domestic tasks around our little home.
Monday was about as horrible as it could have been and I spent the greater part of the day in bed after my 2 hours at work. The only redeeming aspect was my sis-in-law Glenda bringing me a small Louis Vuitton handbag back from her holiday in Malaysia. Fake of course but so kitsch it's cool - I absolutely love it!
The rest of the week progressed so slowly with many tears and fears. It's funny how tears so often go along with fears I have discovered. Everyone at work was welcoming and understanding but it felt so surreal. Things had changed but were also still the same. I just feel so different to the person I was six months ago that I'm not sure how to navigate the work landscape, indeed the life landscape any more.
Friday was busy with work and a few appointments so by the end I could feel my body shutting down. Yesterday I was so drained that I barely moved or spoke. Tim knows there's something really wrong when the house is silent! Going to the beach has always been calming for me whenever I'm stressed or worried so since we had the most beautiful autumn day of 27 degrees, Tim took me there late in the afternoon. Just sitting there listening to the waves, lying on the sand and watching the clouds helped give me a sense of peace.
Today I feel better but uncertain of starting another week already. I know that the first week is always the hardest so I am hopeful of an easier ride this time.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Work
Tomorrow I re-enter the world of working women! I leave behind daytime tv, sleep-ins and trackie daks to become a sleek, proficient businesswoman again. Well since I'm only starting with 2 hours on Mon, Wed and Fri for the first few weeks, I'm sure that trackie daks will still feature in my days but anyway...
It's been almost 6 months since I was forced to give up work due to the amount of pain I was constantly in, so I have been experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions as the time has neared - nerves, apprehension, fear, a little excitement, inadequacy, doubt etc. Fear ruled the day for quite a while. Work had become synonymous with pain for so many years so even though my pain level has decreased dramatically, I was scared that re-entering that environment would automatically bring the same level of pain back. Irrational I know but aren't most fears based on that? A lot has changed at work in terms of structure and personnel so it will be quite a different environment I will be returning to. Starting with only 2 hours is hard for me also as I love to be productive and feel I can contribute and in this short amount of time I will pretty much log on, say good morning, answer some emails and leave again! I'll be more of a nuisance if you ask me, but as my physio reiterates, "it's about function Amy, not productivity." Yeah yeah, doesn't stop me wanting to be productive though! However this time work needs to assimilate into a life that includes exercise, outings, domestic tasks and a social life for me. In the past, it was just work and lie down. Since I am rehabbing with the long term future in mind, I am determined to do it right and as slow as necessary.
A week ago I realised that my worries had escalated completely out of proportion and that most of my concerns will melt away as soon as I start. I am confident that it will be quite a different Amy returning to the office and although I am not certain of how much work I will eventually be capable of, I am looking forward to trying. Will keep you updated!
It's been almost 6 months since I was forced to give up work due to the amount of pain I was constantly in, so I have been experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions as the time has neared - nerves, apprehension, fear, a little excitement, inadequacy, doubt etc. Fear ruled the day for quite a while. Work had become synonymous with pain for so many years so even though my pain level has decreased dramatically, I was scared that re-entering that environment would automatically bring the same level of pain back. Irrational I know but aren't most fears based on that? A lot has changed at work in terms of structure and personnel so it will be quite a different environment I will be returning to. Starting with only 2 hours is hard for me also as I love to be productive and feel I can contribute and in this short amount of time I will pretty much log on, say good morning, answer some emails and leave again! I'll be more of a nuisance if you ask me, but as my physio reiterates, "it's about function Amy, not productivity." Yeah yeah, doesn't stop me wanting to be productive though! However this time work needs to assimilate into a life that includes exercise, outings, domestic tasks and a social life for me. In the past, it was just work and lie down. Since I am rehabbing with the long term future in mind, I am determined to do it right and as slow as necessary.
A week ago I realised that my worries had escalated completely out of proportion and that most of my concerns will melt away as soon as I start. I am confident that it will be quite a different Amy returning to the office and although I am not certain of how much work I will eventually be capable of, I am looking forward to trying. Will keep you updated!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A wonderful Easter
There have been so many beautiful things (most revolving around food!) happening over the past week and Easter including many firsts for me:
- Having brunch on a gloriously sunny morning with our church small group at a funky new cafe, Snow Pony. Even the swarms of wasps (unfortunately the eastern suburbs are having an infestation at the moment) couldn't spoil the fun!
- Eating chocolate for the first time in 6 weeks! Both Tim and I gave up chocolate for Lent and we struggled with temptation many times in that period. Not sure we could do it again but we have been making up for lost time over the past few days :)
- Watching my 2 year old niece on her Easter egg hunt.
- Going to church for the first time in many, many months!! In fact I went twice, on Good Friday and Easter Sunday and it was just so wonderful to be back and singing with everyone. I managed really well apart from the inevitable fatigue from being out.
- Eating the most delicious gluten-free hot cross buns, mmm mmm
- Having a wonderful roast lunch with my sister-in-law Joce and good family friend Cheryl on Easter Sunday. Again so much good food including pavlova and an Easter Egg hunt!
- Improving my walking. I am now doing 2 x 500m walks each day and am still really enjoying the feeling of walking with a natural gait. Even stairs are becoming more manageable.
- My movement restrictions have been lifted! I am now starting to bend, twist and lift again, albeit in very structured exercises. Still it's good to finally be able to dress myself and put on shoes without my friend the claw!
Still quite sore and fatigued but as you can see, I have managed a lot more activities. Work is now next on the agenda. I'm starting back next week for a few hours, only 5 days away (eek!), but I will save that for another blog. The swarm of emotions I feel regarding work really deserve a post of their own...
- Having brunch on a gloriously sunny morning with our church small group at a funky new cafe, Snow Pony. Even the swarms of wasps (unfortunately the eastern suburbs are having an infestation at the moment) couldn't spoil the fun!
- Eating chocolate for the first time in 6 weeks! Both Tim and I gave up chocolate for Lent and we struggled with temptation many times in that period. Not sure we could do it again but we have been making up for lost time over the past few days :)
- Watching my 2 year old niece on her Easter egg hunt.
- Going to church for the first time in many, many months!! In fact I went twice, on Good Friday and Easter Sunday and it was just so wonderful to be back and singing with everyone. I managed really well apart from the inevitable fatigue from being out.
- Eating the most delicious gluten-free hot cross buns, mmm mmm
- Having a wonderful roast lunch with my sister-in-law Joce and good family friend Cheryl on Easter Sunday. Again so much good food including pavlova and an Easter Egg hunt!
- Improving my walking. I am now doing 2 x 500m walks each day and am still really enjoying the feeling of walking with a natural gait. Even stairs are becoming more manageable.
- My movement restrictions have been lifted! I am now starting to bend, twist and lift again, albeit in very structured exercises. Still it's good to finally be able to dress myself and put on shoes without my friend the claw!
Still quite sore and fatigued but as you can see, I have managed a lot more activities. Work is now next on the agenda. I'm starting back next week for a few hours, only 5 days away (eek!), but I will save that for another blog. The swarm of emotions I feel regarding work really deserve a post of their own...
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