Fatigued, tired, exhausted, drained, worn out, bushwhacked...the theme of this week!
I must say that this week was harder and easier than I thought it would be. Harder in the sense that when I crashed from fatigue and soreness I struggled to function in any way but yet I didn't crash every day and was even able to do some domestic tasks around our little home.
Monday was about as horrible as it could have been and I spent the greater part of the day in bed after my 2 hours at work. The only redeeming aspect was my sis-in-law Glenda bringing me a small Louis Vuitton handbag back from her holiday in Malaysia. Fake of course but so kitsch it's cool - I absolutely love it!
The rest of the week progressed so slowly with many tears and fears. It's funny how tears so often go along with fears I have discovered. Everyone at work was welcoming and understanding but it felt so surreal. Things had changed but were also still the same. I just feel so different to the person I was six months ago that I'm not sure how to navigate the work landscape, indeed the life landscape any more.
Friday was busy with work and a few appointments so by the end I could feel my body shutting down. Yesterday I was so drained that I barely moved or spoke. Tim knows there's something really wrong when the house is silent! Going to the beach has always been calming for me whenever I'm stressed or worried so since we had the most beautiful autumn day of 27 degrees, Tim took me there late in the afternoon. Just sitting there listening to the waves, lying on the sand and watching the clouds helped give me a sense of peace.
Today I feel better but uncertain of starting another week already. I know that the first week is always the hardest so I am hopeful of an easier ride this time.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Work
Tomorrow I re-enter the world of working women! I leave behind daytime tv, sleep-ins and trackie daks to become a sleek, proficient businesswoman again. Well since I'm only starting with 2 hours on Mon, Wed and Fri for the first few weeks, I'm sure that trackie daks will still feature in my days but anyway...
It's been almost 6 months since I was forced to give up work due to the amount of pain I was constantly in, so I have been experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions as the time has neared - nerves, apprehension, fear, a little excitement, inadequacy, doubt etc. Fear ruled the day for quite a while. Work had become synonymous with pain for so many years so even though my pain level has decreased dramatically, I was scared that re-entering that environment would automatically bring the same level of pain back. Irrational I know but aren't most fears based on that? A lot has changed at work in terms of structure and personnel so it will be quite a different environment I will be returning to. Starting with only 2 hours is hard for me also as I love to be productive and feel I can contribute and in this short amount of time I will pretty much log on, say good morning, answer some emails and leave again! I'll be more of a nuisance if you ask me, but as my physio reiterates, "it's about function Amy, not productivity." Yeah yeah, doesn't stop me wanting to be productive though! However this time work needs to assimilate into a life that includes exercise, outings, domestic tasks and a social life for me. In the past, it was just work and lie down. Since I am rehabbing with the long term future in mind, I am determined to do it right and as slow as necessary.
A week ago I realised that my worries had escalated completely out of proportion and that most of my concerns will melt away as soon as I start. I am confident that it will be quite a different Amy returning to the office and although I am not certain of how much work I will eventually be capable of, I am looking forward to trying. Will keep you updated!
It's been almost 6 months since I was forced to give up work due to the amount of pain I was constantly in, so I have been experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions as the time has neared - nerves, apprehension, fear, a little excitement, inadequacy, doubt etc. Fear ruled the day for quite a while. Work had become synonymous with pain for so many years so even though my pain level has decreased dramatically, I was scared that re-entering that environment would automatically bring the same level of pain back. Irrational I know but aren't most fears based on that? A lot has changed at work in terms of structure and personnel so it will be quite a different environment I will be returning to. Starting with only 2 hours is hard for me also as I love to be productive and feel I can contribute and in this short amount of time I will pretty much log on, say good morning, answer some emails and leave again! I'll be more of a nuisance if you ask me, but as my physio reiterates, "it's about function Amy, not productivity." Yeah yeah, doesn't stop me wanting to be productive though! However this time work needs to assimilate into a life that includes exercise, outings, domestic tasks and a social life for me. In the past, it was just work and lie down. Since I am rehabbing with the long term future in mind, I am determined to do it right and as slow as necessary.
A week ago I realised that my worries had escalated completely out of proportion and that most of my concerns will melt away as soon as I start. I am confident that it will be quite a different Amy returning to the office and although I am not certain of how much work I will eventually be capable of, I am looking forward to trying. Will keep you updated!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A wonderful Easter
There have been so many beautiful things (most revolving around food!) happening over the past week and Easter including many firsts for me:
- Having brunch on a gloriously sunny morning with our church small group at a funky new cafe, Snow Pony. Even the swarms of wasps (unfortunately the eastern suburbs are having an infestation at the moment) couldn't spoil the fun!
- Eating chocolate for the first time in 6 weeks! Both Tim and I gave up chocolate for Lent and we struggled with temptation many times in that period. Not sure we could do it again but we have been making up for lost time over the past few days :)
- Watching my 2 year old niece on her Easter egg hunt.
- Going to church for the first time in many, many months!! In fact I went twice, on Good Friday and Easter Sunday and it was just so wonderful to be back and singing with everyone. I managed really well apart from the inevitable fatigue from being out.
- Eating the most delicious gluten-free hot cross buns, mmm mmm
- Having a wonderful roast lunch with my sister-in-law Joce and good family friend Cheryl on Easter Sunday. Again so much good food including pavlova and an Easter Egg hunt!
- Improving my walking. I am now doing 2 x 500m walks each day and am still really enjoying the feeling of walking with a natural gait. Even stairs are becoming more manageable.
- My movement restrictions have been lifted! I am now starting to bend, twist and lift again, albeit in very structured exercises. Still it's good to finally be able to dress myself and put on shoes without my friend the claw!
Still quite sore and fatigued but as you can see, I have managed a lot more activities. Work is now next on the agenda. I'm starting back next week for a few hours, only 5 days away (eek!), but I will save that for another blog. The swarm of emotions I feel regarding work really deserve a post of their own...
- Having brunch on a gloriously sunny morning with our church small group at a funky new cafe, Snow Pony. Even the swarms of wasps (unfortunately the eastern suburbs are having an infestation at the moment) couldn't spoil the fun!
- Eating chocolate for the first time in 6 weeks! Both Tim and I gave up chocolate for Lent and we struggled with temptation many times in that period. Not sure we could do it again but we have been making up for lost time over the past few days :)
- Watching my 2 year old niece on her Easter egg hunt.
- Going to church for the first time in many, many months!! In fact I went twice, on Good Friday and Easter Sunday and it was just so wonderful to be back and singing with everyone. I managed really well apart from the inevitable fatigue from being out.
- Eating the most delicious gluten-free hot cross buns, mmm mmm
- Having a wonderful roast lunch with my sister-in-law Joce and good family friend Cheryl on Easter Sunday. Again so much good food including pavlova and an Easter Egg hunt!
- Improving my walking. I am now doing 2 x 500m walks each day and am still really enjoying the feeling of walking with a natural gait. Even stairs are becoming more manageable.
- My movement restrictions have been lifted! I am now starting to bend, twist and lift again, albeit in very structured exercises. Still it's good to finally be able to dress myself and put on shoes without my friend the claw!
Still quite sore and fatigued but as you can see, I have managed a lot more activities. Work is now next on the agenda. I'm starting back next week for a few hours, only 5 days away (eek!), but I will save that for another blog. The swarm of emotions I feel regarding work really deserve a post of their own...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Back on the road
The past week I have been reminded of the Chinese proverb - "a thousand mile journey starts with a single step." I have come to realise that my surgery was just the start of another journey, perhaps more rehabilitative than pain focused, but still another long challenge.
I am still making progress with my many exercises and increasing my walks which is great. I am also back behind the wheel finally, although it is still quite sore and uncomfortable to do so. However I continue to be plagued by soreness and scar pain as well as extreme fatigue. I have been told that it will likely take me 6 - 12 months to rebuild my stamina after 5 years of minimal movement. I have been feeling quite overwhelmed by this thought. Although I knew the surgery was no quick cure and I am incredibly grateful for the decreased pain so far, I am finding it hard to be so exhausted by simple activities. A 2 hour dinner at my parent's place last week ended in tears and bed for the next day and a half!
Trying to stay focused on the positive improvements but it's been a sobering week.
I am still making progress with my many exercises and increasing my walks which is great. I am also back behind the wheel finally, although it is still quite sore and uncomfortable to do so. However I continue to be plagued by soreness and scar pain as well as extreme fatigue. I have been told that it will likely take me 6 - 12 months to rebuild my stamina after 5 years of minimal movement. I have been feeling quite overwhelmed by this thought. Although I knew the surgery was no quick cure and I am incredibly grateful for the decreased pain so far, I am finding it hard to be so exhausted by simple activities. A 2 hour dinner at my parent's place last week ended in tears and bed for the next day and a half!
Trying to stay focused on the positive improvements but it's been a sobering week.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Song of Joy
It's 1.15am and as usual I am unable to fall asleep. This insomnia is really getting to me so I thought I would use the time constructively and blog :)
I've been holding onto a secret for the past week now. I've been too scared to share it in case it goes away and isn't real. Sounds silly I know but over the past five years I have had many promising steps forward that have turned out to be temporary illusions. Thus I find it hard to truly believe sometimes but I have this spark of hope inside me that this change is here to stay.
I can sing again!!
Many of you may not even have been aware that since my injury singing has been extremely painful. Apart from the fact it's been difficult to stand for any length of time, using my diaphragm to breathe and sing caused me significant back pain. Apart from a couple of weddings that I pushed myself to perform at, I didn't sing. I used to break into spontaneous outbursts of song and make up silly ditties around the house when I was feeling happy. However, pain combined with the lethargy that accompanies it meant the joy and desire to sing ceased to exist for me. Now though it doesn't hurt at all and I remember exactly why I loved performing so much in the first place - the adrenalin rush, being filled with air and energy, worshipping God in song. My creative juices are flowing again and I am pulling out old lesson books and tapes to practise (not too long as my stamina is still not great). I even surprised the gardener the other day with my singing and another time I was so immersed in song that I squealed with fright when Tim walked in the door! Music truly is the most invigorating, uplifting activity and I am now daring to dream of a different future, just a little.
I've been holding onto a secret for the past week now. I've been too scared to share it in case it goes away and isn't real. Sounds silly I know but over the past five years I have had many promising steps forward that have turned out to be temporary illusions. Thus I find it hard to truly believe sometimes but I have this spark of hope inside me that this change is here to stay.
I can sing again!!
Many of you may not even have been aware that since my injury singing has been extremely painful. Apart from the fact it's been difficult to stand for any length of time, using my diaphragm to breathe and sing caused me significant back pain. Apart from a couple of weddings that I pushed myself to perform at, I didn't sing. I used to break into spontaneous outbursts of song and make up silly ditties around the house when I was feeling happy. However, pain combined with the lethargy that accompanies it meant the joy and desire to sing ceased to exist for me. Now though it doesn't hurt at all and I remember exactly why I loved performing so much in the first place - the adrenalin rush, being filled with air and energy, worshipping God in song. My creative juices are flowing again and I am pulling out old lesson books and tapes to practise (not too long as my stamina is still not great). I even surprised the gardener the other day with my singing and another time I was so immersed in song that I squealed with fright when Tim walked in the door! Music truly is the most invigorating, uplifting activity and I am now daring to dream of a different future, just a little.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Whinging
Tim told me on the weekend that I have now learnt the art of whinging. Now before you exclaim that that's not a very loving comment to make, it was actually meant as a compliment! In this case, we mean whinging as being able to tell people how we're really feeling, rather than just saying "fine" in response all the time. This is intensified during periods of struggle or illness. I have an article from The Age last year stuck on my fridge that discusses the increased burden we feel when pressured to 'think and act postive' all the time during illness. Of course we don't want to be a grumps all the time and it's really hard when your regular response is that things are difficult but I found it such a relief when I have felt able to do this. Putting on the 'happy face' to other people all the time is draining and ultimately detrimental to your wellbeing. Being honest really is the right sort of whinging!
I had my 6 week check up yesterday and although I am walking with greater ease and sitting comfortably, I still have a considerable amount of pain from the surgery which is unusual. I am unable to lie on my back still or lean back against a chair and my scars are throbbing and sore, so I am having a neuropathic cream specially formulated for me to see if this will ease the pain. This is currently hindering further improvement so we are hoping that this topical cream will help significantly.
I had my 6 week check up yesterday and although I am walking with greater ease and sitting comfortably, I still have a considerable amount of pain from the surgery which is unusual. I am unable to lie on my back still or lean back against a chair and my scars are throbbing and sore, so I am having a neuropathic cream specially formulated for me to see if this will ease the pain. This is currently hindering further improvement so we are hoping that this topical cream will help significantly.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
An Ode to the Small Things
As many of you know, I can become ridiculously excited about the smallest things in life. It really doesn't take much to have me squealing with enthusiastic joy and over-expressive hand gestures. Things like the perfect latte, an unexpected gift, gelati, rhubarb, a particular song, my local cafe having my favourite cake in stock, the list goes on...
Well this week I have discovered another wondrous little thing. My friend Hannah even went so far as to say last night that this product "has changed the lives of so many people I know". Drum roll please ... it is dry shampoo! I don't know how I have not found this earlier but it is perfect for me at the moment with my difficulty with washing my hair in the shower. Simply spray on (with mine I am wafted with a tropical scented coconut breeze which makes me feel like I'm on a Fijian island :) ) and voila no more greasy hair!
So a toast to the small things in life that can bring us much joy!
Well this week I have discovered another wondrous little thing. My friend Hannah even went so far as to say last night that this product "has changed the lives of so many people I know". Drum roll please ... it is dry shampoo! I don't know how I have not found this earlier but it is perfect for me at the moment with my difficulty with washing my hair in the shower. Simply spray on (with mine I am wafted with a tropical scented coconut breeze which makes me feel like I'm on a Fijian island :) ) and voila no more greasy hair!
So a toast to the small things in life that can bring us much joy!
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