I tell you if anyone needed to torture me for information, sleep deprivation would be the way to go! The last couple of weeks I have averaged 4-5 hours per night and so I have been even more lethargic than usual. The last 7 days have also been filled with nerves and a restless, edginess coupled with a couple of overtired, emotional meltdowns. Needless to say, I am relieved the day has finally arrived.
Yesterday a chance encounter reminded me that God is always with us through every situation. We have a cleaner come once a month. Our regular cleaner was unavailable and so we were randomly allocated someone else - this cute lady called Anne with a waft of blonde hair aged about 60ish. Just as she was about to leave, she said to me "I can see you're also trusting God". I was a little taken aback as I hadn't said anything but she had just noticed some of my Christian books on the bookshelves. Then began the most wonderful conversation. She herself is nursing her husband who almost died from malaria and just had so many encouraging words to say about staying positive and faithful through illness. It was just what I needed at that time.
So thanks to everyone's love, support and prayers. I'm off to the hospital in a couple of hours so let's see how Take 2 works!
One reach, twist and sharp pain and my world changed forever. Fast forward five years of physios, chiros, doctors, neurosurgeons, specialists, pain management programs, exercises, injections, acupuncture, bed rest and mammoth amounts of painkillers and here I am with no change. That seemingly innocuous L5/S1 disc bulge I sustained that day in December 2004 has turned into chronic back pain with complex regional pain syndrome. Fancy words that in reality mean a life of constant, unending pain.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Take two - going backward
I realised I haven't written for so long and left you all hanging about whether I'm having surgery or not. Well I am, on 23rd June! After much consultation with my surgeon, nurse and technician and no improvement with the pain, I decided it was better to go ahead with it.
Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.
It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.
Although I had booked the date a few weeks ago now, I was in denial for a while, continuing to tell my friends "I'm probably going to have surgery". It was only when I had to sit down with my boss that it became real. That was a difficult day but the more people I've told, the more real it seems. I have accepted that this is the best way to move forward - "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" has become my mantra. We all have to do things in life that we really don't want to do or dislike and unfortunately this is just one of those times! Plus, after the last couple of days which forced me to bed in a lot of pain, I look forward to something that may ease that.
It's interesting how much we humans have an aversion to doing anything that may signify a step backwards. Although I know the surgery/rehab/recovery phase is only going to put me back a few months, I still am frustrated that I have to go backwards at all! Growing up, we're always focused on moving forward, achieving the next milestone, the future, that we're not equipped to learn that sometimes going backwards can be a positive thing. It's ingrained in us that going backwards means failure. I have definitely had more steps backward than forward with this injury - that's why the thought of having to do more rehab and recovery is exhausting and overwhelming at times. I know I will do it though, grumbling and annoyed and frustrated at times I may be, but I will do it because there is always the hope that this step forward will be the final one out of this pain.