Back on the road

The past week I have been reminded of the Chinese proverb - "a thousand mile journey starts with a single step." I have come to realise that my surgery was just the start of another journey, perhaps more rehabilitative than pain focused, but still another long challenge.

I am still making progress with my many exercises and increasing my walks which is great. I am also back behind the wheel finally, although it is still quite sore and uncomfortable to do so. However I continue to be plagued by soreness and scar pain as well as extreme fatigue. I have been told that it will likely take me 6 - 12 months to rebuild my stamina after 5 years of minimal movement. I have been feeling quite overwhelmed by this thought. Although I knew the surgery was no quick cure and I am incredibly grateful for the decreased pain so far, I am finding it hard to be so exhausted by simple activities. A 2 hour dinner at my parent's place last week ended in tears and bed for the next day and a half!

Trying to stay focused on the positive improvements but it's been a sobering week.

Song of Joy

It's 1.15am and as usual I am unable to fall asleep. This insomnia is really getting to me so I thought I would use the time constructively and blog :)

I've been holding onto a secret for the past week now. I've been too scared to share it in case it goes away and isn't real. Sounds silly I know but over the past five years I have had many promising steps forward that have turned out to be temporary illusions. Thus I find it hard to truly believe sometimes but I have this spark of hope inside me that this change is here to stay.

I can sing again!!

Many of you may not even have been aware that since my injury singing has been extremely painful. Apart from the fact it's been difficult to stand for any length of time, using my diaphragm to breathe and sing caused me significant back pain. Apart from a couple of weddings that I pushed myself to perform at, I didn't sing. I used to break into spontaneous outbursts of song and make up silly ditties around the house when I was feeling happy. However, pain combined with the lethargy that accompanies it meant the joy and desire to sing ceased to exist for me. Now though it doesn't hurt at all and I remember exactly why I loved performing so much in the first place - the adrenalin rush, being filled with air and energy, worshipping God in song. My creative juices are flowing again and I am pulling out old lesson books and tapes to practise (not too long as my stamina is still not great). I even surprised the gardener the other day with my singing and another time I was so immersed in song that I squealed with fright when Tim walked in the door! Music truly is the most invigorating, uplifting activity and I am now daring to dream of a different future, just a little.

Whinging

Tim told me on the weekend that I have now learnt the art of whinging. Now before you exclaim that that's not a very loving comment to make, it was actually meant as a compliment! In this case, we mean whinging as being able to tell people how we're really feeling, rather than just saying "fine" in response all the time. This is intensified during periods of struggle or illness. I have an article from The Age last year stuck on my fridge that discusses the increased burden we feel when pressured to 'think and act postive' all the time during illness. Of course we don't want to be a grumps all the time and it's really hard when your regular response is that things are difficult but I found it such a relief when I have felt able to do this. Putting on the 'happy face' to other people all the time is draining and ultimately detrimental to your wellbeing. Being honest really is the right sort of whinging!

I had my 6 week check up yesterday and although I am walking with greater ease and sitting comfortably, I still have a considerable amount of pain from the surgery which is unusual. I am unable to lie on my back still or lean back against a chair and my scars are throbbing and sore, so I am having a neuropathic cream specially formulated for me to see if this will ease the pain. This is currently hindering further improvement so we are hoping that this topical cream will help significantly.

An Ode to the Small Things

As many of you know, I can become ridiculously excited about the smallest things in life. It really doesn't take much to have me squealing with enthusiastic joy and over-expressive hand gestures. Things like the perfect latte, an unexpected gift, gelati, rhubarb, a particular song, my local cafe having my favourite cake in stock, the list goes on...

Well this week I have discovered another wondrous little thing. My friend Hannah even went so far as to say last night that this product "has changed the lives of so many people I know". Drum roll please ... it is dry shampoo! I don't know how I have not found this earlier but it is perfect for me at the moment with my difficulty with washing my hair in the shower. Simply spray on (with mine I am wafted with a tropical scented coconut breeze which makes me feel like I'm on a Fijian island :) ) and voila no more greasy hair!

So a toast to the small things in life that can bring us much joy!

Baby steps

Taking 'baby steps' looks so much more fun for babies than it is for adults. Little, chubby babies look so cute as they wobble, teeter forward, abruptly fall over, struggle up again, all the while chuckling as they give it a go. They make taking one step forward and two steps back seem an exciting adventure! Well I can tell you that 'baby steps' for adults are definitely not as fun!

Since I've written, the days have passed in a blur of movies, books, short walks, rests, sleeps...
I've passed the 4 week mark and still am extremely tired and physically weak all the time. I hate taking showers due to the exhaustion, weakness and soreness that occurs afterwards. I still feel quite vulnerable and emotional all the time, a shadow of my former self.

However I know that when I compare my progress to my last blog, I have definitely taken quite a few 'baby steps'.

I can now go out for short outings like coffee (or watching my 2 year old niece's swimming lesson which was utterly divine and beyond cute:) )

I received my first set of exercises last week so am doing mini step ups and mini squats a few times a day as well as 4 very short walks. Although I am still very slow and not walking far, I definitely feel more comfortable walking than I did before the operation.

I am not taking as many meds for the pain so the implant is obviously starting to work - to what extent yet I'm not fully sure.

I am still quite sore and tender when lying on my back or leaning against something, so I think this is something that is just going to take more time. I guess I hoped I would be feeling dramatically better by now, but although it's slow, at least I am still improving hey! Onwards with the baby steps...